This is no joke!

Patients on antidepressants and their families or caregivers should watch for worsening depression symptoms, unusual changes in behavior, and thoughts of suicide, as well as for anxiety, agitation, panic attacks, difficulty sleeping, irritability, hostility, aggressiveness, impulsivity, restlessness, or extreme hyperactivity. Call the doctor if you have thoughts of suicide or if any of these symptoms are severe or occur suddenly. Be especially observant at the beginning of antidepressant treatment or whenever there is a change in dose.

In other news:

The FDA has recently issued a new warning about the potential for suicidal thinking in adults taking antidepressants, but the agency specifically singled out Cymbalta (generic: duloxetine) because of a higher than expected rate of suicide attempts in recent studies. Cymbalta is a relatively new antidepressant manufactured by Eli Lilly that has been associated with suicide risk since its clinical trials.

The warning comes after a review of Cymbalta by Eli Lilly; found that 11 of nearly 9,000 women taking it for urinary incontinence tried to commit suicide. The fact that these patients were suffering from urinary incontinence and not depression is significant because the drug companies have long argued that antidepressants are used by depressed people who have a higher likelihood of committing suicide.

In honor of Memorial Day, I thought I'd post some ideas on how to thank the troops who are serving our country and their families. Everyone has differing opinions regarding specific military actions, but the fact of the matter is that men and women are making great sacrifices to ensure our freedoms. Here are some simple things you can do to reach out to our troops and their families right now to let them know their sacrifice matters.

* Send a Message From Home: Through Operation Dear Abby, you can send an electronic message to our men and women in the military. Just use the link below and follow the instructions: here. Please note: Not all members of the service will have ready access to e-mail.

* Send Phone Cards to Military Families: Military families often experience financial stress, as well as the obvious personal stress, while their loved ones are away. That makes a little thing like a phone card a very meaningful gift. Even in cases when they're not able to call their loved ones overseas, phone cards will enable them to keep in touch with long-distance family members here at home.

* Reach Out to Families: Reach out to military families in your area with offers of support. (If you'd like to help a family but don't know where to turn, contact your local Red Cross for suggestions.) Military families might have needs for help with child care, meals, home repairs, yard work, etc. Or they might just need someone to listen.

* Care Packages for Troops: If you'd like to send a care package to support the troops, contact your local Red Cross for a list of suggested items, as well as restrictions on package sizes, wrapping, etc.

* Care Packages for Military Families: Show support for the families of the military with a care package, too! Include practical things like grocery items and cleaning supplies, as well as treats for the kids, gift certificates for local restaurants, family videos, magazines, stationery, stamps and favorite treats for the at-home parent or guardian. (A great team project for schools, churches and scout troops.)

* Volunteer: Honor veterans by volunteering at a VA hospital in your area. Contact them to see how you can help. (Visit their Red Cross on their web site. You can also make a financial donation on their web site.

(Note: I acutely found this list on the Hallmark web site. It's just a coincidence that they refer to the Red Cross so often. None the less, AFES does do a good job of bringing comfort to solders and their families.)

I love my daughter!

I love my daughter!

In case you don't know my daughter is a mermaid. She loves the water. She lives for the water. Going to the pool is her number one priority in life. So, the count down to Memorial Day Weekend and more specifically the opening day at our community pool has been on her mind... a lot!

Thursday morning Elizabeth was almost unable to contain herself as she realized that there was just one more school day until the pool opened. She was happily making plans to spend the whole entire day at the pool on Saturday.

But there was a problem with this. I had signed up to help our friends on Saturday. This would mean several hours of lost pool time. I decided I should broach the subject sooner rather than later... So I asked her if she remember how sick Will was. Yes, she said. She reminded me that she prays for him every night. Then I explained that because they had to take such special care of Will children were not allowed to visit him and that meant that his sister Ella could never go into the room where the doctors and nurses were taking caring of Will.

"Oh, poor Ella." Elizabeth said. "She must miss her brother."

"Yes," I agreed. "Ella and Will must miss each other a lot. But do you know what is even worse?" Elizabeth shook her head no. "Well, Mr. Mike and Miss Stacy can never visit Ella and Will at the same time."

She gasp at the thought. "Oh no!" she said.

"Yes. Isn't that horrible that the whole family can't be together at the same time?" She shook her head. "But Elizabeth, we can do something to help them.... On Saturday we can go to the hospital and play with Ella so Mr. Mike and Miss Stacy can visit Will." I let that sink in. I could already see the wheels turning... she didn't need me to tell her this was going to affect her beloved pool time. After a couple of seconds, I picked up, "You know that means we won't be able to stay at the pool all day. But, we WILL get to go the pool... either before the hospital or after. I'm just not sure when."

Elizabeth processed this a little longer, "OK, so mommy, you want me to a good girl at the hospital? Don't worry. I will be. I won't fuss about going to the pool, because we have to help Will and Ella."

My heart just puffed up so big. It almost exploded in my chest!

As things turned out, we didn't get to go to the hospital on Saturday because I got sick. I got some kind of stomach virus and spent the Friday and Saturday "getting sick." And you know what...

On Saturday Elizabeth came to my bed with glass of ice cold Sprite for me to sip. She patted my hair and said, "Mommy, it's ok if we don't go to the pool at all today. You need to get better."

With an attitude like that, what's a mother to do? Somewhere in the afternoon I found the strength to walk her to the pool for a few minutes so she could splash around. God was looking out for both of us, because one of her classmates was there with her father. He agreed to watch Elizabeth so I could go back to bed. The little mermaid got to stay at the pool until closing after all.

And then the Christian girl kicks her when she's down...

And then the Christian girl kicks her when she's down...

Why is it that strangers have such power to hurt us?

Tonight I got an email from someone that I've never met. This self-professed Christian "sister" decided that she was going to "help" me by telling me that I'm "self-absorbed and petulant, and not at all encouraging." She implied that I don't think about others and that I'm causing people that I care about to endure additional stress and heartache. She said that these dear friend(s) of mine "just doesn't NEED this added and unnecessary stress."

I'm sitting here shaking... I alternate between raging anger, extreme hurt and distress, and utter disbelief. This person had the audacity to send me a six paragraph harangue about all my bad points and how I was hurting others... I can't believe that this total stranger has decided to play cop to the world. One minute I'm crying so hard I couldn't see clearly enough to count my pills out even if I wanted to. The next minute I just want to punch my fist into something... preferably the above reference Christian sister.

You know, maybe I am self-absorbed because all I can think is, "God, her timing sucks!"

Thanks to everyone for the emails and the prayers. I'm sorry to have caused such worry. It's kinda like this.... the pressure builds up and you have to do something to release a little... like cooking with a pressure cooker (remember those?) Sometimes the pressure is so great, you don't fully realize the consequences of your words. But really, thank-you!

She empties the little brown bottles, their contents tumble out and roll in front of her. She counts out the contents... 580, 590, 600 mgs Ambien... 328.5, 329.0, 329.5, 330 mgs Klonipin... 446, 448, 450 mgs Ativan...

She has a momentary rush of empowerment... to be or not to be.... the decision is totally hers

You Are Somewhat Machiavellian

You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead... But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself. You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place. You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to!

How Machiavellian Are You?

You Belong in Amsterdam

A little old fashioned, a little modern - you're the best of both worlds. And so is Amsterdam. Whether you want to be a squatter graffiti artist or a great novelist, Amsterdam has all that you want in Europe (in one small city).

What European City Do You Belong In?

Uh-oh... oh boy... how ironic. My ex always wanted us to pick up our roots and move to Amsterdam. (And it wasn't because they offered the best of both worlds...)

UH OH! I did it!

UH OH! I did it!

We are well into week three of the au pair's vacation and I made up my mind. When she comes back from vacation I am giving her notice.

Elizabeth is all signed up for before and after care at school this year and her slot for next fall is secure. I've got an email into the director of her pre-school. It's a wonderful Christian program that I highly recommend and they offer full-day day camp in the summer for their graduates. So, I'm going to get her signed up for that. The only thing I have yet to cover is Tuesday evenings. I have a regular appointment on Tuesday evenings. During the au pair vacation my next door neighbor has watched Elizabeth -- but I don't feel that I can ask them to do that forever. So, if you know someone who would like a regular 1.5 - 2 hour babysitting gig every Tuesday night, have them give me a call.

But other than that... I'm mostly pleased with this decision. I'm a little nervous. I feel like I've just unhooked my safety net. But the truth is -- the au pair wasn't doing all that much for me. Life has been a lot calmer with her gone. I didn't realize just how stressful it was to have someone living in my house. Elizabeth's teacher even sent home a note saying that she has been much calmer and happier in class lately. Gee, I didn't realize she was un-calm and unhappy, but I guess she was...

It's also so nice to know that my things won't be thrown away. If I put something someplace... it will still be there tomorrow.

I like both Gaby and Andrea, and all... but I really felt like they always had their hand out for money and they expected that money to flow out of my pockets in an endless supply. I know that most of their au pair friends work for families that are much richer than I am. Don't get me wrong, I realize I'm very fortunate to be in a position that I could even consider an au pair in the first place... but let's remember something... I'm a single mom and I don't get any child support or alimony AND I'm paying off huge debts that I got custody of during the divorce (for those of you that don't know... uncontrolled, outrageous, and seriously damaging spending is a well known and well documented symptom of bi-polar disorder -- a disorder from which the ex suffers.) So, while I am blessed that I have a job that allows me to meet all my financial obligations... I'm not rolling in money and I don't have any extra. And when I do have extra; it goes to my brothers who have trouble putting food on the table for their own families.

So, when these girls treat me like I've got an endless supply of funds, it just pisses me off... one of the girls wanted me to buy her a computer and then let her "work off the debt" by cleaning the house. Ummm... picking up the toys and keeping Elizabeth's messes to a manageable level is part of the au pair job... so why should I buy you a computer to do your job? Another time, one of the girls wanted me to pay her extra money because Elizabeth's school was on vacation for a week. Ummm... the au pair compensation assumes that the au pair will work 45 hours per week and there hasn't been a single week (except maybe school vacations) when one of my au pairs has come any where close to the 45 hours... and I'm not allowed to dock their pay for working less hours. I'm not saying I WOULD dock their pay if I could, it's not like they make a ton of money. And I don't begrudge anyone fair pay for doing a fair day's work... But geez louise... you want me to pay you extra for DOING YOUR STUPID CUSSHY JOB?????

And let's face it, being Elizabeth's au pair has to be one of the easiest au pair jobs in the world... heck it might be among the easiest jobs ever! And I'm NOT saying that because I'm her mother... but let's look at this rationally... When you work for us, you only have to care for ONE child. That child is six-years-old and somewhat self sufficient... that means no bottles and no diapers. She can get her own drink of water. She can entertain herself most of the time. She can play outside with her friends and you don't have to hover over her every single second. You can go to your room and close the door and read your book and act like you're not even working. That seems to be what both of my au pairs have done with most of their working days...

So.... taking a three-week vacation was the stupidest thing Andrea could have done. I begged her not to go for that long. I didn't think I could make it without her and I was desperate to change her mind about taking three consecutive weeks.... but she just had to do it.

Guess what... not only can I make it without her... I feel like we're thriving without her... so Andrea... bye-bye!

PS: I'm still more than a little scared about this... what if things at work change and I need more hours than SACC can give me? What if this is still an "au pair-free honeymoon period." What if? What if? What if? Please pray that I'm making the right decision and that things will work out. Thanks!

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

~ Winston Churchill

Elizabeth wrote a poem and it's going to be published in her elementary school literary magazine. Here is the poem as she wrote it... note, she is still using what her teacher calls "magical spelling." I had never heard of magical spelling before, but according to her teacher, it's a new phase they let kids pass through because they're demanding more writing ability from them before they're able to memorize long lists of words. I like this concept of magical spelling... it's something I live by. Anyway here is Elizabeth's poem as written:

spring
By elizabeth

I see a batrfli
I hear brs sing
I smell flawrs
I touch a leef
I taste iec krem


Here is a transcription of the poem as read by Elizabeth:

spring
By elizabeth

I see a butterfly
I hear birds sing
I smell flowers
I touch a leaf
I taste ice cream


Not bad if you ask me... but then again I'm the author's mother!

This weekend we were out shopping and Elizabeth had to pee. We were in a small store and they had “powder room” like bathrooms instead of the big multi-stall things. The ladies room was in use. Elizabeth had to go so bad she was dancing all around the store room waiting to get into the ladies room. Someone came out of the break room and said we could go in the men’s room because; well they were just little powder rooms with labels.

The men’s room seemed to be exceptionally dirty and under my breath I said, “Men are such pigs!” Elizabeth looked around the room and very seriously said, “And women are unicorns.”

DADA

DADA

On Saturday Elizabeth, Erin, and I went to see the DADA exhibit at the National Gallery. (If that link doesn't work, you can check out MOMA, that's the exhibit's next stop.)

We got in just under the wire, it was the last day in DC. We had tired to go sooner but silly things like Easter and sister graduating from college got in our way. But hey, we got it.

I was struck by a couple of things as I wondered through the exhibit.

1) My Brick friend really is more of an artist that he gives himself credit for.
2) The Dada artists are more relevant to our time than I could have possibly imagined.
3) The artists in Europe were one angry bunch of people.
4) The New York artists seemed more into technology, but they were a little angry.
5) I identified equally with the European and New York artist.
6) Most of the work done by the Dada artist was pretty mono-tone. But when then did use color, they used the most amazing blues and greens. And it seemed that all of the artists... no matter from where they hailed seemed to use these same wonderful blues and greens. I wonder if that's something the curator did -- or if there was some kind of conspiracy to use the same colors. Whatever, I really like the blues and greens.
7) Man Ray was cooler than I expected. One of my favorite photographers is Bill Brandt and he was monitored by Man Ray. I've always thought it an odd pairing because there is almost nothing similar in their work. But I've never had a chance to see much of Man Ray's work outside of books and it was much cooler in person.
8) George Foreman and Mohammad Ali were not the first self obsessed public figures. Man Ray did not make PHOTOgraphs. He made RAYographs.
9) I'm really into the idea of "ready made" art. The value of my personal possessions has just increased 100-fold. Now, if I could just convince my insurance company of that fact...

Speaking of Isaac Hayes... The other day I was talking about South Park with a friend and he didn't know the humble beginings of the cartoon. Basically it started with Trey Parks and Matt Stone were given $2000 to make an animated Christmas greeting for an executive at Fox. They made a short called the Spirit of Christmas.

The Spirit of Christams was so hysterical it quickly because the hottest boot leg around. I know where I worked, everyone had a copy... and in those days we had to download it over phone lines and it could take as long as 1/2 hour or more.

I watched today, for the first time in years... and I forgot just how amazingly funny it is. So, if you have never seen it, or haven't seen it in a long time... Get ready to laugh and check it out today!

Note: I edited this to fix the links... the first link should take you to a txt file / posting of an email that explains the history of The Spirit of Christmas. The second link should take you to the main Spirit of Christmas page where you can access the history, link to a transcript of the script and view the actual cartoon. Hey, if you haven't done it yet... what are waiting for?

Isaac Hayes had better watch out. This has got to be the greatest cover of Shaft I've ever heard.

For dinner this evening, Elizabeth had a Kid's Cuisine frozen dinner... a super deluxe treat in kid-world. As the timer ticked down on the microwave, Elizabeth said we should do "the count down" when the timer got to the 10-second mark.

At 12 seconds she gave me a warning and then we were off, in unison, at the top of our lungs...

10!
9!
8!
7!
6!
5!
4!
3!
2!
1!
Dinner! I yelled alone.

She looked at me for a second. You could tell she was trying really hard to be patient with me. "Mooooom! It's blast-off! Not Dinner." She rolled her eyes, "You know, you really are strange, even for a mom."

I am SOOOOO Excited!

I am SOOOOO Excited!

I can hardly wait until tomorrow!

Every year, my employer has a National Convention. It just so happens that this year they are celebrating their 125th year of existence. So Convention is bigger than even usual. They're also having the convention in DC this year because of the anniversary -- it moves all around the country so no one region has to travel all the time. Given all of this... I have been invited to attend the general sessions of the convention (well, OK there is nothing special about me, the invitation is open to all of the NHQ employees.) This will be my first time attending Convention.

But it gets better. I've been given permission to bring Elizabeth to convention, too. The convention has been going on all week, but tomorrow is the first day of the General Sessions, so Elizabeth and I will be heading downtown bright and early (please pray for my sleep issues) tomorrow morning.

It's going to be a great day! There will be the Parade of Volunteers, Exhibit Hall booths with tons of information and displays relating to the rich history of my employer, movies and videos and live presentations by Bonnie McElveen-Hunter, President of the American Red Cross Board of Governors, Jack McGuire, Present and CEO of the American Red Cross, Jakob Kellenberger, President of the Internal Red Cross and Red crescent Society, Michael Chertoff, Secretary of Home Land Security, and celebrity guests Jane Seymour and James Keach.

Sounds like it's going to be a pretty amazing day -- doesn't it. And this may sound silly but I'm most excited about being able to take Elizabeth to the event. I can't tell you how excited and thrilled I am to be able to expose Elizabeth to all of this. I mean, I doubt she's really going to understand everything that Michael Chertoff says when he talks about committing to the scared trust... but she's going to be surrounded by so much and hear so much that she's going to get SOMETHING out of it.

But that's not all. There were two unannounced, surprise guests of honor. The names of these two guests have just been announced... Laura Bush and Colin Powell. I'm about to explode. First off I love Colin Powell. Regardless of what you think about his politics or the politics of the people he served, his story is an impressive one. He is an extraordinary example of someone I would love to have as a mentor... He is a role model for leadership, strong values, personal accountability, and desire to live his ethics. As for Laura Bush... it really doesn't matter how you feel about her husband's politics... she is the First Lady and given all the time Elizabeth has spent studying presidents and first ladies and other important historical characters, I'm just trilled to death to have Elizabeth meet her.

(Remember when we were kids and we still had respect for an Office, regardless of who held the office. Why does that seem so naive now... it shouldn't be. If we (as a society) held these offices in high esteem, maybe the people we put in these offices wouldn't be such clowns.) Oh well... until tomorrow!

The Current Time is:

The Current Time is:

Seven Minutes Until Midnight.

OK, This is just weird

OK, This is just weird

I was looking at the stats on my counter. Today someone did a Google search on the term "bear-foot and pregnant" which brought them to my site. What makes it weird is that the person who did this search works at a company that I interviewed with when I still lived in NJ. The surfer-person is working at the exact same facility in the exact same town were I went for the interview. I did not take the job because after the first interview I decided that everyone who worked there was a misogynistic pig and I would end up going crazy if I tried to work there. Guess I was right...

Sometimes a friend posts the perfect thing. This seems to hit spot-on on so many levels today... in both my personal life and in the lives of my friends and family members.

You know, it really sucks when the morning traffic reports start before you've even fallen asleep...

The Mind of Stephen Wright

The Mind of Stephen Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the precipitate

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

How young can you die of old age?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it...

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say "How to Build a Boat"

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."

Black holes are where God divided by zero

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.”

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.

Kindergarten?

Kindergarten?

Lots of folks in these parts are talking childhood memories and especially they seem to have narrowed in on kindergarten. I've been kind of reluctant to write about my kindergarten... but then again there is something deep inside of me pushing to get out... something that wants to be exposed to the light of day. I'm a little worried I'll go too far. I don't want to make people uncomfortable or anything. Don't worry, there's no sex or physical violence involved. At least not in this story. But I know it makes ME uncomfortable to think about it.

You see, I don't remember my kindergarten year at all. I find this very strange, because I have some very clear and very real memories going all the way back to when I was two-ish. I remember when my parents brought my brother home from the hospital.

I was 29 months old and it is clear as day. My mom got really fat and grumpy and then she got a tummy ache. My grandma and grandpa came over and then I went to stay with them. When my dad finally brought me home, I went and looked in this big white basket. There was a baby doll in there... but the baby doll pulled my hair. My dad told me not to stick my head in the basket anymore. I put my head in the basket and shook it around so the hair would flap in the baby doll's face. The baby doll pulled my hair again. My dad spanked me and told me to leave the baby alone.

Then there was the time a few months later when my dad decided it was time to eat the chickens he was raising. He wasn't getting any eggs from them and they were too expensive to maintain. I remember the hellish screaming coming from the coop. I ran to my bed and cried, but the screaming wouldn't stop. That night I had a nightmare that a huge chicken (maybe twenty feet tall or more) came and killed my dad.

I remember getting to milk the cows at our neighbor's house and then taking the warm milk to make ice cream for our BBQ that afternoon.

I remember buying candy at the near by general store with my babysitter / girlfriend and then sneaking it back into the house without my dad knowing. My babysitter / girlfriend showed me how to walk sideways while holding something behind my back.

I remember when my babysitter's sister married her brother... well, they weren't really brother and sister. The boy was an orphan an my babysitter's family was his foster family. He fell in love with their oldest daughter and they got married. There was a lot of whispering about that. I remember how confused I was by the grown-up's behavior. I now know that their actions would be named things like "two faced" and "stabbing them in the back." But then it was really, really confusing.

I remember when I went through the glass window and I had to get over two hundred stiches. They did the work in the OR using only local pain killers. I had at least four nurses and / or orderlies holding me down. When the pain killers started to take affect, I really enjoyed talking with the doctors and nurses and they couldn't get me to shut up. They finally said if I would be quiet for a little while, they would give me money to get a Dairy Queen on the way home.

All of these things and many, many more happened while my family was living in West Virginia. When I was four my family moved to Pittsburgh. I have an equally impressive number of memories from Pittsburgh... up until Kindergarten.

I remember getting ready from my pre-kindergarten orientation. I was so excited to go to school. My dad was always very pro-education and even before I entered Kindergarten he had me totally psyched to go to college. I wanted to grow up and be a teacher. I could hardly wait to start school.

So, on the day of my pre-kindergarten orientation I was taking a bath. I was sitting in the tub and I was so excited to finally be going to the orientation I could hardly stand myself. I was going to burst.

While I was still sitting in the tub, my mom came into the bathroom. I remember I was chattering on and on about how I was so happy and how I couldn't wait for school and it was going to be so wonderful and it was a dream come true and I must be the luckiest girl in the world and I can't wait to learn stuff and I want to read books -- not just look at the pictures and this is just going to be so great.

My mom was putting her lipstick on. She had her back to me. She said, "What are you so happy about?"

I started to repeat my litany of excitement, but she stopped me mid-way. "I don't know why you're so happy about school. You're going to hate it."

She walked over to the tub. "Look at you. You're ugly. No one likes the ugly girl. And you're really ugly. You won't have any friends. And look at how fat you are." (Note: at the time I was stocky or chubby, but I was NOT fat. At least not then.) She grabbed at the skin of my stomach. She pinched it really hard and it hurt really bad. "You're a pig! Look at you. You're fat and stupid and you're an ugly pig! And you smell. Don't think that bath is going to make you smell good. You have a real strong stench. All the other kids are going to hate you. Everyone hates stinky, smelly people. Even the other smelly people. Oh and you think you're so smart... You can't fool the teachers. They'll take one look at you and know you're a stupid pig. What am I going to do with you... such a fat, ugly, stupid, smelly thing... And you're happy about going to school? Just proves your stupid." She went on, but I think you get the gist.

The next thing I can remember is meeting my FIRST GRADE teacher. I lost more than a year. Well, there are a couple of things that happened at home during this year (or at least I think they maight have occured during that year.) I don't know. My kindergarten memory is messed up.

But the funny thing... the time in the bath tub before the kindergarten orientation... those moments are frozen in my mind. I'm sitting on the toilet seat watching my mom talk to me and I'm watching me sitting in the tub of water. I remember the water and the room suddenly got very, very cold. I can feel my chin start to tremble and I can still feel the tears stinging the insides of my eye lids... but I knew I couldn't cry. I had to just sit there and be very still and not fight with her and not cry because if I did anything it might just make her madder and that was NOT a good thing.

Another one to file under, "What the heck were they thinking???"

Another one to file under, "What the heck were they thinking???"

I'm a member of Upromise. If you have kids and you haven't joined up at this web site... what are you waiting for??? This is a great deal, it's not a scam, and several different news agencies and investigative reporters have looked into this marketing opportunity and they've all come away saying it's a good deal for both the companies and for the families that participate.

Hey, I didn't get my act together to join until 8/02 (Elizabeth was born 12/99) and I've already earned $446.81 (before earned income) towards her college costs. Hey, that's two or three semesters worth of books and all I've done is my normal shopping... (If you want me to send you a referral to join, just let me know.)

But OK, this isn't a commercial for Upromise. Tonight I was heading out to the Tiffany web site to do some shopping. As is my habit, I do a search on the Upromise web site because if the place were I'm shopping is a member... and I navigate to the shopping site from a Upromise link, I get a percentage of the total sale deposited into Elizabeth's college fund.

So, I went to Upromise and I searched for the merchant "Tiffany". They came back with a little message that said Tiffany wasn't a member, but I might enjoy shopping at Walmart instead.

What WERE they thinking???

Great news! Ned has come for a visit!

Great news! Ned has come for a visit!

My Grandma got her final PET scan today and there was No Evidence of Disease! After months and months of chemo, many of those months in the hospital, the docs gave my grandma the good news today.

Now with cancer you're never cured, the best you can get is "in remission" and it takes five years for the doctors to stop holding their breath... but at least we've started the clock on the five years. Welcome NED!

Sometimes, you just don't know what to pray for.

To sleep, perchance to dream... Heck, it’s highly over rated, anyway!

To sleep, perchance to dream... Heck, it’s highly over rated, anyway!

My sleep cycles are so messed up, I don't sleep anymore. Last night (or really this morning) I didn't even fall asleep until 8 AM. It's awful.

This isn't the first time. On work days, when it gets too close to wake-up time, I just don't get into bed (or I get out of bed) because if I should fall asleep, I won't make it to work when I have to. Yeah, I missed church this morning.

I'm not sure if this is emotional, organic, or a mix of both. But this is driving me crazy.

A while ago I wrote that they think I have narcolepsy. So they gave me this "wonder drug", Provigil. Now with Provigil I don't "close my eyes" when I need to be awake, but I'm not really sleeping any better when I need to be sleeping.

It leaves me with the oddest day-time sensation. I sometimes feel like a part of my brain is sleeping while other parts of my brain are functioning. However, I am noticing a serious degradation in the functioning of my brain. When I proof read my writing, I'm horrified at some of the mistakes I find. Sometimes, I try to read my writing (and I mean typed words here) and its total gibberish. I do my best to edit and double check all my work. But given the types of mistakes I'm finding, I have no confidence in the corrections -- if you know what I mean.

I just hope they get to the bottom of this before something really bad happens. I don't know what the "really bad" thing might be. But this just doesn't seem like a healthy nor safe way to live...

Hey Single Guys... A Dating Tip

Hey Single Guys... A Dating Tip

Yesterday when I wrote about our trip to Clay Cafe, I forgot to mention one of the best-ever early dates you guys could ever use.

While we were painting our pottery, a youngish couple (late 20’s or early 30’s) came in and sat at our table to paint their own pieces. They were a good looking couple and they seemed like really sweet people, too.

I didn't mean to ease drop on their conversation, but the tables just aren't that big so I had no choice. After awhile I realized they were not yet a couple. There were on their second, third, or maybe fourth date at most.

Both the young lady and I were really impressed with this guy. I never would have thought of this as a date-place but it seemed to be working for both of us girls. Being the kind hearted person I am, I thought I would pass on the tip.

But before you jump into this with both feet, there are a few things you should be aware of:

1) You have to like kids (or at least you can't let them get under your skin.) While we were there, there were two birthday parties. The parties were kept apart from where the walk-in people were working, but you could hear the noise from the parties. Also, when you were picking your pieces and paints you had to mingle with all the little ones. But on the dating bonus point scale, you can win big if can interact in a fun and friendly way with the kids sitting at your table. I could tell his date was really digging it when he was chatting up Elizabeth. Oh and if the woman you are trying to woo happens to have children of her own... take it from a single mom, you'll be pretty sure to blow yourself off the bonus point scale if you take her kids and make it into a fun family activity.

2) You either have to be a good artist or be self confident enough to poke fun of the fact that you're not an artist. The fellow sitting with us was the self-confident, non-artist type and I have to say it was endearing. Frankly, I think if you're too good of an artist it might be intimidating unless she's a good artist, too.

3) However, you can't be too sarcastic about this activity nor can you be a disinterested bi-stander. If she's getting into the event and you're being sarcastic, it'll just ruin it for her. And if you're both sarcastic about it... well, maybe it's not the right thing for you guys to be doing so early in your relationship.

4) On the other hand, you have to realize this is kind of a camp activity. If you take it too seriously, you might be sending the wrong single as in, "I'm gay but pretending to be straight." or "I'm a jerk because everything I do is of the utmost importance and I'm pretentious, too."

But the guy sitting at our table seemed to be hitting it out of the ball park with is date and like I said, I was pretty impressed, too. So, when all you single guys achieve your goal -- whether it be marriage or uh... well, whatever your goal maybe. You can send a consulting fee my way.

Past Loves

Past Loves

Since the only way I will get a Mother's Day gift is for me to make it happen, I took Elizabeth to Clay Cafe today to let her pick out something to paint and fire. I let her pick out something for herself, too. It seemed kind of selfish to say, "Here, go buy me a present."

But that's not really what this is about. No, the manager lady at the Clay Cafe was about the same age as me. She had on a radio station that playing a whole bunch of oldies. Oh, god how that word makes me shudder in relation to these songs. You see, they were playing the music of my life. They were playing the bubble gum pop (aka: music completely lacking in any artistic merit) to which I first fell in love.

They say you never forget you're first love. But I had three...










Bet you'll never guess which Monkey I loved. Hint: His mother invented White Out (or at least that's the urban legend.)

Watch Out Donald Trump!

Watch Out Donald Trump!

You may remember that when Gaby was still here Elizabeth wanted to sell Christmas Ornaments door to door. The ornaments were made out of paper napkins and paper clips (I think.) Elizabeth was really upset that Gaby wouldn’t let her go door-to-door.

Well, she’s at it again. This time she’s made drawings and photocopied art work. She wants to sell these things door to do. Each piece of art has a price on it. She sets the price based on how many colors she uses to make the pictures and how long it took her. Each piece of art work has a price between .29 cents and $1.39.

I'm not sure how she decided to set different prices for each piece of art, but she is taking Junior Achivement at school. Maybe it's working... Anyway...

Unlike Gaby, Andrea has taken Elizabeth door-to-door to sell her work. Elizabeth has made close to $2.00 with her art business. I almost died when she told me that she was tellin my neighbors that she was selling the art because "my mommy doesn't have enough money."

Now she wants to expand. She wants to make cookies and muffins and turn our house into a coffee shop. She thinks there is big business in coffee. While she's right on target with her product selection, I told her I was skeptical of this idea because it was a lot of work. She said I shouldn’t worry about that because she was going to make me the manager. In her words… she said that would be OK because the "managers don’t have to work. They just tell other people what to do."

When I didn’t give in on the coffee shop idea, she seemed to give up. She told me she wanted to have a party with her friends from school. I said that might be a nice idea and we could think about it. Well, the other night she started drawing the invitations to her party. Then she asked me to help her spell out some of the words that would be on the invitation. We went through time, place, etc. Then she said she wanted to put “cost” on the invitation.

Cost???

She said that she was going to charge her friends to come to the party so she could make some money.

Where does she get these ideas?

By Request

By Request

Elizabeth specifically asked me to post this story.

The other day I picked her up. She felt like she was going to fall so she said, "Mommy, hold the bottom of my bottom." When she realized what she said, she started to laugh. That just tickled her funny bone. When she stopped laughing, she said, "Mommy, I think this would be a good story for your blog. Will you please post it."

So, here it is!

I forgot...

I forgot...

I'm ashamed to say, I'm forgetting what it's like to be a child. When I was a kid, I swore to myself that I would never forget how hard it was to be a kid so that I would always have empathy for my child. But tonight, I forgot.

We had a meeting at my house tonight. A group of us meet once a week to plan Sunday's worship service. This week, everyone met at my house. One of the group members brought some amazing home made cookies for desert. You see, we always share a meal together before the meeting. In the few transitional minutes between the meal and getting started with the official meeting part, my friend passed her cookies around the room.

The cookies were so wonderful, I ate mine much too quickly and I wanted more. I didn't get more for two reasons: 1) I really didn't need additional cookies and 2) the pan of cookies was on the other side of the room and I didn't want to disrupt the meeting to walk across the room just for a cookie (although I would have walked much father for one of these cookies, I just didn't want to disrupt the meeting.)

A couple of times Elizabeth would pop into the living room to check on the status of the adults. Usually I would shoo her away. But this one time, one of the woman asked Elizabeth to get her purse on my side of the room. As Elizabeth crossed back and forth, I asked her to bring me a cookie. After all, her six-year-old petite frame was much less intrusive than my clumsy 40-something frame.

Elizabeth obediently went to get me a cookie. But she stopped and started to whisper with the cookie baker. My first reaction was to become angry with Elizabeth. She knew better than to disrupt adults during the meeting (and knowing better hadn't stopped her a couple of times earlier in the evening.) I guess I was feeling guilty that I wanted her to be the disruptive force so I could hide behind her youth, but I suddenly felt very angry with her. I was going to yell at her in front of all of the other adults.

But then, something happened. I heard the cookie baker whisper, "Yes, your mother may have another cookie." Elizabeth picked up a cookie and brought it directly to me.

She wasn't being disruptive at all! She was being polite. She wasn't going to take a cookie out of someone else's pan without asking permission.

I suddenly realized how the Grinch must have felt when his heart grew three sizes too big!

We haven't done this for a while and I felt like revisiting it. If you'd like to try again (or for the first time) you can find it here.

I almost died today.

I almost died today.

Well, not really... but this isn't a joke!

They have been doing some major repairs / renovations on the front of the building where I work. They're also doing work on the visitor's parking lot.

Employees park in underground lots that under but still part of the building. We drive up a little lane next to the building and use access cards to open the garage doors. You can't see the front of the building from this lane. Because of the construction they have lifted the "no stopping or standing / no parking" rule on this little lane as well. Visitors are allowed to park along the curb where it says "no stopping or standing." As a result this lane gets crowded.

This morning as I arrived at work, I noticed that the access lane was more crowded and more congested than it's been in a long time. It reminded me of the days of Katrina. (They've been doing this construction for a long time.) But aside from the congestion, I didn't notice anything unusual. There were cars in front of me that swiped their access cards and pulled in to the garage. When it was my turn... I swiped my card and pulled in.

I found a parking spot. I swiped my card again to get access in to the building. I got in the elevator and rode up to my floor... the third floor. There were others going to the fourth, fifth, and sixth floor.

When I got out of the elevator I noticed a person from housekeeping was cleaning the men's room. She had the door propped open and she was going in and out of the room to get supplies.

I got to my office, unlocked my door, started to boot up my computer, and took a breathe. Suddenly I realized it was very quiet. Too quiet. I walked out of my office. My admin wasn't at her desk... but she could have gone for coffee. I walked up and down the rows of cubes and no one was there. This was odd. I went to the window. There were hordes of people standing in the fire / disaster waiting area. I started to walk back towards the elevators / stair wells.

I ran into a couple of people I know. They were as perplexed as I was. We were trying to figure out if this was a real emergency or a drill... after all our key cards worked in the garage, the elevators let us up, the house keeping folks were still keeping house, there were no flashing lights or sirens and actually no evidence that anything was wrong at all. This just seemed like it wasn't anything more than a drill.

Yet, I had a queasy feeling about it. But just as the other folks were saying that they were going to go back to their desks to work; a security guard got off of the elevator. He started to yell at as. Why were we still in the building? Didn't we know there was a REAL fire? This was not a drill. He wanted to know why didn't we evacuate with the rest of the folks? Huh, I thougth??? He told us to take the elevator to the lobby and get out of the building. Good safety procedure that was, wasn't it...

You know of all the places one could work... you'd think my employer would do fires a little better. Also considering that we're identified as a high risk target for terrorist operations, you'd think they'd do a little better with security.

About three minutes after I got outside to the desginated area, they sounded the "all clear" and we were let back into the building. I never did find out where the fire was.

Oh well, I'm going to go check my documents to make sure everything is in order. OOPS! I forgot, I don't have a will. Oh well, I'll have to give that one a higher priority on my "to do" list.

Life's Great Pleasures

Life's Great Pleasures

Yesterday we thought about some of Life's disappointmentss. So in the interests of equal time today we're doing pleasures. Listing pleasures is easy. I really had to work hard to edit this list down to something reasonable... I could have gone on for a lot longer. Oh and I left "being a mom" off the list because that one just so far out weighs anything else it would be the first 2,943 entries on the list. Can you tell I love being a mom? Anyway, here some other pleasures to ponder:

** McDonald's Straws. Their straws feel strong and sturdy in your hand. They don't feel like cheap little throw-away straws. They inspire confindence. Also they are wide, but not too wide; just the right amount of Iced Tea can be consumed with each mouthful.

** A garden with fresh lavender.

** Clean sheets.

** Owning my own business. There was nothing better than being able to say, "I did this with my own two little hands."

** Driving a well made, well maintained, fine-tuned, high performance automobile. Zoom, Zoom!

** Picking your fruits and veggies in the garden at 4 PM and serving them for dinner at 5 PM. When I was a kid my grandma had a huge garden and nothing tasted better than her fresh corn, green beans, and tomatoes.

** Rites of Spring -- Live, sitting in the first row. You don't get a good view of the orchestra -- heck, you mostly see the violinist's nose hairs. But the power of the music is overwhelmingly beautiful! It just washes over you in waves of heart-stopping fury followed by delicate notes of beauty.

** Tannoy Churchill Speakers. They're as good as live. I cried when I heard Rites of Spring through them.

** Believing in Santa.

** A tickle fight with someone you love.

Some of the Greatest Disappointments in my Life...

Some of the Greatest Disappointments in my Life...

This list is in no particular order. Well, OK. It's the order that these things happened to pop into my little brain. But that does not reflect anything more than the way my puny brain works.

1) Alfa Romeo Spider. Ever since I first saw a picture of this car, I coveted it. I know the technology is old. It doesn't go that fast. It's an automotive anachronism. But I thought they were sex on wheels! It was an amazing thing to behold. Finally, I got my chance to drive it. What a dud! The frame was weak. Much too weak to support the five mile an hour bumpers that were slapped on to either end. I'm just glad the thing didn't snap in two before we finished the test drive.

2) The Mazariti Bi-Turbo. OK, it's another Italian Car. Yes, there is a pattern here. This car is also a wonder to behold. It's even an amazing vehicle to drive when it's working. The problem is these poor cars are so prone to entropy they will disintegrate right in front of you. However, I did find one super clean and amazing example of a Bi-turbo that was for sale. I took the thing for a test drive. It had to be the greatest drive of my life. The clutch was like butter and yet super precise. The speed. The burble of the engine. It was too die for. Why is it on this list of disappointments you ask? Because the asking price DID NOT include the Mazariti mechanic that owned the vehicle.

3) Caviar. I think the reason rich people like it is to test you. How much to do you want to be in the in crowd? Do you want it bad enough to pretend this stuff is good? YUCK! Not me.

4) Live concerts. Ok, in the spirit of full disclosure, I have been to some really amazing live concerts. However, the first time I went to a concert I was supper depressed. I expected to have some kind of super natural communion with the artist. When I was leaving the show and this "moment" never happened... I wondered why I bothered to go in the first place.

5) Lincoln Center. Speaking of live concerts... stay away from Lincoln Center unless you like to sit in the first five rows. The acoustics in this place is so bad you get a better sound stage from a transistor radio.

6) Eggleston Speakers. I'm sure you know I love the photography of William Eggleston. Well, his sons started a speaker business. I was totally psyched to hear their speakers. Well, when I found a dealer that sold Eggleston Works I went right in for a test drive. Not only were the speakers to trebly but they blew up during my demo. Yup! That's right... they blew up. The tweeter just exploded and there were little bits of the tweeter paper all over the room.

7) Every Jaguar I’ve ever driven. They don’t call Luther the Prince of Darkness for nothing… enough said!

8) Owning my own business. Don’t get me wrong… there were a lot of great things about being the boss. But that was the problem. Since you were the boss, there was no one to blame when things didn’t go right.

9) Being in management. I thought when I was in management I would be able to fix the world and make sure things were done right (or least the things where I worked.) HA! Was I naive.

10) Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas – the Movie version. I love the Hunter S. Thompson book. I’ve read it over and over and over again and every time I read it – it makes me laugh out loud. But the movie just hit a wrong cord with me. The ironic thing is that movie was an extremely faithful adaptation of the book. The narrator quotes longs passages of the book. The problem is that seeing the real effects of such drug over use is just painful. When you read the book, you can imagine a Road Runner-like cartoon. But when you see real people really getting hurt… it’s just not funny.

11) Tori Amos’ second album and every album after that. I loved Little Earthquakes… her first album. The lyrics of every song (except one) just resonated with my spirit. She is also a pretty amazing piano player and has a cool voice. Too bad so much of her stuff sucks.