Grandma Thelma and Grandpa Kenneth celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary in 1999 with the wedding cake Grandma always dreamed of having.

 

 

Last Friday my Grandma, Thelma Kees, died as I held her hand.  Her only daughter and my only daughter were with her as well.  In the blink of an eye and with one final breath, the family lost a great matriarch.  Grandma was 91 years old and she lived a good life.  She died the way she lived - peacefully and with a smile on her face.

 

I still can't believe she is gone.  Thursday I got a call from my mom saying that grandma only had 12 - 36 hours left.  So Chippy and I rushed to her bedside. 

When the doctors say something like that you have to take them seriously, but in my heart of hearts I didn't really believe this was the end.  It wasn't the first time I made a mad rush to her bedside only to have her bounce back.  Grandma was a strong woman.  Her life wasn't always easy, but she always managed to soldier on with a positive outlook.  So, I was more than a little stunned that she actually died.  Even seeing her body laid out in the casket at the viewing tonight, I couldn't believe she was really gone.  Her life force was just too strong.  In fact, her spirit is so strong, I still feel her with me.  I know she is with her husband and my father, continuing to watch over me and the entire family. 

 

When I was a child and my great-grandma passed away my parents told me that she would always be with me, watching over me from heaven.  This thought was both comforting and disturbing to my childish mind.  If she was watching me from heaven, she'd know everything time I told a fib or did anything I wasn't supposed to do.  I wanted her to be proud of me, but how could she if she knew all my frailties.  It was a hard thing for a kid to reconcile.

 

The last couple of days have reminded me of that fear.  Grandma feels so close to me, surely she knows my every move and my every thought.  I feel like there are no secrets from her now.  We all wear masks in life - we never really show our true self to anyone in this world. But I feel like Grandma can see me without my mask - that my truest, most intimate self is revealed to her and there is nothing I can do to hide the ugly parts.  Just as I was feeling my most vulnerable and exposed, it came to me... what if that's what heaven is all about.  What if heaven is a place where all our masks are removed and our most deep, dark selves are revealed but we are loved anyway. 

 

In a few hours we will be going to say one last good-bye to the body of my Grandma.  But I promise you - that's the only thing to which I'm saying good-bye.  Her spirit is strong and I feel her presence  with me, loving and protecting me even in spite of my imperfections.