The Mind of Stephen Wright

The Mind of Stephen Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the precipitate

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

How young can you die of old age?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it...

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say "How to Build a Boat"

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."

Black holes are where God divided by zero

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.”

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.