Time to Rant!

Time to Rant!

I have, at least what I perceive to be, a dirty little secret. I’m almost afraid to admit it… but I have conservative Republican tendencies. (Oh gosh, I can hear the gasps from here.) But I come by this honestly. Growing up my mom was a strong Democrat and my dad was a strong Republican. They would debate the issues with fervor and vigor. So I was exposed to all sides of any given issue.

I personally chose to become a somewhat conservative Republican during the Nixon / McGovern campaign. I lived in an area where I subjected to bussing. I was bussed into a very dangerous school district. By 5th grade my school had armed police guards. One child was actually set on fire on the playground during recess. Most of the children in the neighborhood where I lived went to private school to avoid being bussed. My parents couldn’t afford the tuition, so off I went each morning. The Nixon / McGovern campaign caught my attention because Richard Nixon was against bussing. I thought this was a good thing. But then I heard McGovern say that while he was in favor of bussing, he was sending his children to a private school. Needless to say… the Republicans had me in 5th grade.

Now, I do want to digress here for a second on the subject of bussing. I want to be perfectly clear that my problem with McGovern was his hypocrisy. I think there were major problems with the school I was forced to attend. That school needed help badly and I don’t think any child should have been required to spend their days in that environment. My issue wasn’t that I wanted to go to school with one group as opposed to another. I just wanted to go to a SAFE school. I think all children should attend SAFE schools. McGovern got under my skin because he obviously knew there were problems in the public schools, but instead of fixing the problems… he pushed a popular liberal agenda while he sent his own kids to private school. That stinks.

So why did I take this long, round about way to get to my rant? Well, most of my friends are not conservative and I think they would rather gouge their eyes out than say they are Republican. I felt a strong need to justify my opinions. This is begging the question… why did I come out of the closet today? The answer is: while I’ve never been the best or most faithful conservative Republican… they have completely lost me today! The insanity of following a popular agenda has reached a new low. Frankly, at this point I don’t want to be associated with either party!

I read an article on MSNBC today that makes me so angry there aren’t even words for it! According to the MSNBC / The Washington Post article a new vaccine has been developed that protects against cervical cancer. The primary cause of cervical cancer in the US is a germ called human papilloma virus (HPV). The new vaccine protects woman against the strains of HPV that can cause cancerous lesions on the cervix.

Doesn’t this sound like a wonderful advance in medical science? Shouldn’t we all be out in the streets dancing and praising God for this miraculous discovery. After all more than 10,000 women are diagnosed with cervical cancer and more than 3,700 die each and every year. And the scientific data seems to show that the vaccine is virtually 100 percent effective against the two most common strains of HPV that cause cancer.

So what is really happening? Guess what… the conservative religious right is crying in their eyes out because they’re afraid this vaccine will be a sexual green light. Their worried that girls will have more sex and (oh my gosh) they might even enjoy it because they won’t have to worry about the wrath of God striking them with cancer. Gee wiz, first the pill, now this? How the heck will they ever keep women from enjoying this activity or even just stop pre-marital sex?

I just don’t understand how anyone could be against something that might save lives. It has to be arrogance… “We don’t have to worry about it because our children are better than that. Let’s go ahead and let those heathen children get cancer for their transgressions.” It’s starting to sound an awful lot like McGovern to me.

By the way, the twins are still cooking... I don't think they're going to be born in October afterall.

William Eggleston, Mephis, Tennesse 1980

Deep thoughts from a Five Year Old

Deep thoughts from a Five Year Old

I'm not sure what got into Elizabeth today. In between bouncing off the walls because tomorrow is Halloween she has surprised me with her conversation.

It started this morning. Because of a scheduling anomaly we didn't have to get up for church today. She wondered into my bed and we lay next to each other alternately tickling each other and talking. Out of no where she said, "Mommy, when you are old and almost dead I will take care of you the way we took care of grandpa. You don't have to worry because I will go to the hospital every day and make sure you have food and you are clean."

I believe her.

When my dad was dying of cancer his care fell to me. Elizabeth wasn't even two, yet. But she would do what ever she could to help care for him... everything from holding his sippy cup to feeding him small bits of bread. I can tell her memory of this is foggy, but she does remember it on some level. Every once in a while she will come out with a detail of that time that is so obscure I know she didn't just hear about it. After I told her how proud I was of the way she helped take care of Grandpa Henry and how touched I was that she was going to take care of me, she said, "Mommy I can't wait until I go to heaven so I can meet Grandpa Henry again. I know he's going to be so proud of me when he meets me.

"Elizabeth", I said, "he already is."

Later we decided to make homemade pancakes... well pancakes from a mix, but not the frozen kind. The kind that you have to add water, stir, and cook on a griddle. We worked together as a team, taking turns measuring, stirring, and flipping the cakes. When we sat down together at the table, Elizabeth said, "This is the happiest day of life to eat hot pancakes with you."

In the afternoon a friend invited us to go fishing on his boat. I am blessed to have a lot of wonderful, caring men around me both to be my friends to be good role models for Elizabeth. I love to spend time with them, not just because they are role models; but because they are great human beings and what the heck... they’re fun people. But I also dread it a little bit. Spending time with men almost always leads to questions afterwards.

This afternoon my friend showed Elizabeth how to fish, how to cast, and showed her how to tell where the fish were, and lots of guy stuff that I don't have a clue about. We both had a great time on the beautiful lake with our friend.

When we got in the car to go home, it was so quiet in the car I could just feel the questions forming inside her little head. "Mommy, when can we go back to NJ and live with daddy?" she finally said.

I gave her my standard answer, "Sweetheart, daddy has some problems that he has to fix. He's working with the doctors and if he can ever fix his problems maybe we can go visit." That is usually enough. Not today.

"Mommy, how long will it take daddy to fix his problems?"

I didn't know what to say. I doubt Steve will ever "fix his problems" and even if he did... I'm not getting back with him. He burned that bridge, but good. They say honesty is the best policy, and I hope "they" are right because I told her that even though daddy is working really hard to fix his problems (ok, so I lied about this, but I don't want to trash her dad completely) it's going to take a long time to fix them. And, I said that some doctors are worried that they can't fix them at all.

"Mommy, what kind of problems does daddy have?" She had never asked this one before. How do you explain mental illness and bi-polar disorder to a five year old?

"Well," I started slowly and searched for the right words, "Well, daddy has problems with his brain and sometimes it makes him think differently from you and me. And when he thinks differently, he acts strangely. He has to fix his brain so it doesn't make him think differently any more."

She was quiet. Too quiet. I held my breath. "Mommy," she finally said. I felt myself tense up, "What can I do to help my daddy fix his thinking?"

"Oh sweetheart," I could feel tears burning my eyes, "Sweetie, all we can do is pray for daddy."

"Ok. I'll do that now." I looked in the rear view mirror. Elizabeth had clasped her hands and was bowing her head. "God," she said, "Please help my daddy. Please help my daddy so he thinks good. In Jesus name I pray. Amen."

I have no doubt that Grandpa Henry is very proud of his second grandchild.

Class Project

Class Project

What happens when a Class Project goes horribly wrong...

Seems Like Old Times...

Seems Like Old Times...

Today's headline: Aide Libby indicted, quits post

Oh wait... that was Liddy. Nevermind.

No twins, yet!

No twins, yet!

Karen is still having labor pains. As I said before, her water did break, but they have her on antibiotics. The docs want to keep those little babies cooking as long as possible. So they are going to keep her hooked up to the IV drugs until there is no other choice but to take the babies (they're going to do a c-section because of the position of the twins.) She hasn't dilated at all. My brother said she is really uncomfortable. I bet! As much as she wants to get the babies out... it's good that they aren't coming. Of course, I wouldn't say that to HER right now. She might bite my head off!

Twins update

Twins update

I talked with my brother this evening. My mom has a bit of trouble relying information... Turns out Karen's water did break. She is 31 weeks along. As soon as she got to the hospital they gave her a shot of the steriods to help develop the twins lungs. While they normally don't like to wait more than 24 hours after the water breaks... they're trying to keep Karen from delevering until tomorrow night... they want to give the steriod 48 hours to do their magic. Now it's just a waiting game... The first set of twins will be born in October.

Then Beth is up to bat...

Freaky Tuesday!

Freaky Tuesday!

This morning when I was driving to work I saw a huge green truck -- maybe a Suburban. A lady was driving the truck. On the hood of the truck, right in front of the lady was a huge, gigantic white garbage bag. It was stuffed full and tied shut. It was just sitting on the hood of the car (in the driver's line of site) as she speed down Rt. 7.

This evening I was driving home. On the entrance ramp to Rt. 66 a fox darted out in front of me. I've never seen a fox that wasn't in a zoo.

Twin Update!

Twin Update!

Just talked to my mom again... Sister-in-law #1 AKA Karen is doing well. Her water did not break afterall and the doctors were able to stop labor. My mom thinks Karen will be in the hospital for the rest of her pregnancy. This is not good... they already have two children (ages 8 and 4) and my brother works three jobs. They do not live near any family so there is a big question as to who will take care of the girls during the day. Please pray for them.

Sister-in-law #2 AKA Beth was actully at the hospital. She was taking a breast feeding class. My mom was half right.

How much????

How much????

ARG! This is supposed to be happy news… When two people fall in love and want to get married it should be a time of celebration. But not when the bride to be is your au pair! Yes, there is yet another wrinkle in my life… Gaby told me today that she is getting married in either January or February. They haven’t set a date yet… but I think they’re in a hurry.

Sigh.

I have a contract for her services through next July. I thought child care was the one thing I wouldn’t have to worry about. But now it’s all up in the air. I guess the au pair agency will need to find me a replacement … but I still have to do the interviewing and try to figure out if this new person will fit into our life. And I have questions. Does this mean that the new person will only have to stay with us until July? Will I have to get someone new again in the summer?

Oh, but that’s not all… my mom just called. I have two sister-in-laws. Both women are pregnant. Both are due at the end of Dec. / early Jan. Both are pregnant with twins. Both are having one boy and one girl. I’m not making this up. My mom called to tell me that one woman’s water broke – they’re on the way to the hospital. She also said that she can’t contact my other brother and sister-in-law. My mom is one to worry. She’s convinced that they’re at the hospital with a crisis as well.

But wait… there’s more! The ex is sill MIA. Tonight was his phone visit time. I had Elizabeth leave a message on his cell phone. The home phone is still disconnected.

Lest we forget my love life… there is news on that front, too. So I met this guy. There was intense chemistry and energy. Then he gets sent away on some mysterious dangerous adventure …er, I mean, business trip. Now I’m wondering: 1) Is he married? 2) Is he a lunatic? 3) Is he really in danger? 4) Should I care?

Q: What’s this sound, “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA PLOP”

A: Liz laughing until her head falls off.

I did this!

I did this!

Saturday evening Elizabeth and I went grocery shopping. The isles were teaming with Halloween inspired junk... Elizabeth found a stuffed Halloween cat that she wanted to show me. I was busy comparing the prices and ingredients on various bottles of ketchup. It took her a several seconds to get my attention; it's amazing how interesting ketchup can be. She was very excited for me to see the kitty she found. As I turned to follow her, she ran off down the isle in a half skip.

She was laughing. Her long blond hair was bouncing and swinging from her energetic stride. Her eyes sparkled.

All of a sudden I felt the most intense fear course through my veins... "What idiot entrusted this beautiful child to ME?" I felt a little light headed. The full weight of the responsibility of raising a child hit me as waves of panic washed over me. What was I thinking? What made me believe I could be a mother? I did it... I choose to get pregnant. It was planned and I wanted (and still want) her more than anything. But what was I thinking? Being a mommy is forever.

I haven't felt this kind of fear since she was a tiny baby. Luckily the fear didn't last long. But it did remind me just how lucky I am to have this wonderful miracle in my life.

Variations on a Theme by William Carlos Williams

Variations on a Theme by William Carlos Williams

by Kenneth Koch

1

I chopped down the house that you had been
saving to live in next summer.
I am sorry, but it was morning, and I had nothing to do
and its wooden beams were so inviting.

2
We laughed at the hollyhocks together
and then I sprayed them with lye.
Forgive me. I simply do not know what I am doing.

3
I gave away the money that you had been saving
to live on for the next ten years.
The man who asked for it was shabby
and the firm March wind on the porch was so
juicy and cold.

4
Last evening we went dancing and I broke your leg.
Forgive me. I was clumsy and
I wanted you here in the wards, where I am the doctor!

Dad's Job

Dad's Job

There is a lot of illness lately. It's made me think about my dad more than I have in a while. He loved to laugh. He had the best stories...

My dad worked his way through college. To make money he sold Good Humor Ice Cream in the summer. My dad was the kind of guy that people just loved. He sold his Good Humor on bicycle with a big freezer compartment on the front. Now the competition had trucks. Real trucks with real motors, real gasoline and four real wheels.

One day my dad was selling ice cream to the kids at the bottom of a long steep hill. (I didn't know they had steep hills in Queens, but I guess if you’re peddling a freezer up hill it doesn't have to be very steep to be a challenge.) As my dad was selling the last couple of kids their ice cream; they could hear the music of the Tasty Freeze truck just around the corner. So all the kids hooked arms and made a chain across the road. They stood there; blocking the Tasty Freeze truck until my dad could peddle to the top of the hill and sell his ice cream to the kids at the top of the hill.

After awhile my uncle decided that there was good money to be made in Ice Cream. My dad was doing very well for himself and my uncle was going to give it a try. My grandpa took my dad aside and said, "Son, help your brother... show him around... make sure he gets off on the right foot." Of course, my dad agreed to help.

As they were heading into work on my uncle's first day he asked my dad how he made so much money. My dad said, "Well, you gotta give the kids little things. Make'em think they're getting more than their money's worth." My uncle shook his head knowingly.

Now what my dad did was this... he would go to the wholesale places and buy big bags of penny gum and little plastic trinkets that costs around a penny, too. He'd carry a supply each day and for every ice cream treat you bought -- my dad would give you a little gift from his supply. Think about your target market... we're talking little kids hanging out on city streets in the middle of the summer. A piece of gum or a pair of plastic ear rings would seem like a million bucks. Of course the kids loved my dad. He gave them stuff.

My uncle's first week came to an end. My grandpa was proud of his sons and decided to surprise them. In celebration of my uncle's first ever pay day... my grandpa picked them up at work.

The two guys hopped into the back seat of the car. My grandpa was a rather shot guy (a result of an injury he received during a pogrom in the old country.) So grandpa is bursting with pride that his sons are productive members of society. He strains to see my dad's face reflected n the rear view mirror. Catching my dad's eye he asks how much he brought home.

$258.49 take home pay. Now remember -- this was 1957 or there abouts. That was a lot of money to take home from selling ice cream on a bike. Grandpa was extremely impressed.

Then he caught my uncle’s eye in the mirror. "Now son, don't worry if you didn't make as much as your brother... it's your first week after all. So, how much did you make?"

My uncle put his head down and said, "I owe the company $96.00"

My grandpa slammed on the breaks right in the middle of Queens Boulevard. He was half way over the seat, clutching my uncle's shirt... "You WHAT! How could you own them $96.00!!" My uncle just sat disheartened and sad. He didn't answer.

My grandpa started to drive again. About two blocks later, he slammed on the breaks. "How could you own them $96.00!!" Still no answer from my uncle.

My dad said that grandpa stopped every one or two blocks all the way home so he could berate my uncle. "You WHAT???? How could you own them $96.00!!" He would holler. Sometimes he would jump over the seat to grab, poke, or shake my uncle. Other times he just sat there talking into the steering wheel with an almost hopeless tone.

My dad couldn't tell this story without laughing so hard the veins in his forehead would bulge and turn all blue. When I was little I was afraid if he laughed too much the veins would pop open. When telling the story, my dad would start to giggle as soon as he talked about grandpa asking him to look out for his brother and to help him. By this point, he would be making the imitating the screeching sound of my grandpa smashing on the breaks as he mimed my grandpa frenzied movements. All the reminding us that grandpa was stopping the car right in the middle of one of the busiest avenues in Queens on a Friday evening. When he wasn't making sound affects, he'd be laughing so hard he couldn't catch his breath. One time he told this story and he laughed so hard and so long the sofa moved to the middle of the living room.

After several iterations of "YOU WHAT!!!!!!" and "How could you work for a company for one week and OWE THEM $96.00!!!!!" my dad would calm down enough to explain what happened.

You see, when my dad told his brother to give little things to the kids; my uncle didn't understand. He was giving away free ice cream to the kids.

As I type this story, I can almost hear my dad laughing. He had a great laugh. It was infectious. It was loud. It was a whole body laugh. I bet he's laughing right now.

Does this count?

Does this count?

For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them. Matthew - 18:20

This came to me in one of those email chain letters. But it was so cute and even a bit touching... I just had to share.

Phone call to daddy

Phone call to daddy

Elizabeth has a weekly phone visit with her dad. I called the hospital so they could talk. The hospital staff told me he was discharged on Saturday. The last time I spoke to him, they were thinking about sending him to a half-way house. Or, they were going to send him home and require he go to daily group therapy. But he has no car since they impounded it when he was arrested for DUI. The phone at his house has been disconnected. I don't know where he is. My phone number is unlisted because it can be used to find my address. I don't know where he is so Elizabeth couldn't talk to him.

Sometimes I wonder how I will know it's time to collect on the life insurance policy Elizabeth has on him. Then I feel really, really guilty.

Psalm 102:12-28 (NRSV)

Psalm 102:12-28 (NRSV)

But you, O LORD, are enthroned forever; your name endures to all generations.
You will rise up and have compassion on Zion, for it is time to favor it; the appointed time has come.
For your servants hold its stones dear, and have pity on its dust.
The nations will fear the name of the LORD, and all the kings of the earth your glory.
For the LORD will build up Zion; he will appear in his glory.
He will regard the prayer of the destitute, and will not despise their prayer.

Let this be recorded for a generation to come,
so that a people yet unborn may praise the LORD:
that he looked down from his holy height,
from heaven the LORD looked at the earth, to hear the groans of the prisoners, to set free those who were doomed to die; so that the name of the LORD may be declared in Zion, and his praise in Jerusalem,
when peoples gather together, and kingdoms, to worship the LORD.

He has broken my strength in midcourse; he has shortened my days.
"O my God," I say, "do not take me away at the midpoint of my life,
you whose years endure throughout all generations."
Long ago you laid the foundation of the earth, and the heavens are the work of your hands.
They will perish, but you endure; they will all wear out like a garment.
You change them like clothing, and they pass away; but you are the same, and your years have no end.
The children of your servants shall live secure; their offspring shall be established in your presence.

Shotgun Blues

Shotgun Blues

(words & music Walsh & Walsh)

Every night I go to sleep
The blues fall down like rain
Every night I go to sleep
The blues fall down like rain
Taking pills, cheap whiskey
Just to try to ease the pain

Well it's hard to gamble
When you lose every bet
Hard to save money
When you're twenty years in debt
The blues is falling
Falling down on me like rain
I'm gonna take a shotgun now people
And disconnect my brain

I made some mistakes
Had some bad breaks
Now my mind don't work
And my whole body aches
The blues is falling
Falling down on me like rain
My life is like water
Just swirling down the drain

Well I tried standin' up
I keep on falling down
Tried standing up
Keep on fallin' down
Everywhere I go
The blues is all around

Here is my daughter...

Here is my daughter...

Here she is at the Jersey Shore on a particularly warm day in February 2003.

My friend Ross took the other picture... It was taken last month. Note, she is wearing a complete Barbie outfit... right down to the shoes!

The begining

The begining

Lots of people I know are doing this blog thing, so I thought I'd give it a try...

This week hasn't been the greatest for me. In case you don't know, I'm divorced. The reason I'm divorced is that my ex suffers from serious mental illness. I tried really hard to stick it out. Honest, I did. But when he killed our pet cats and said he was going to kill me and our daughter... I knew it was time to leave.

I've been gone a long time. I don't love him anymore. By the time I left I hadn't loved him for a long, long time. I only stayed because I vowed in sickness and in health. So, I don't understand my reactions. I'm really confused...

You see, he tried to kill himself again. A lot of bad things happened this week... I broke up with my boyfriend, my grandma was diagnosed with cancer, my grandpa had a stroke, my au pair crashed and totaled my car, my garbage disposal broke, my shower started to leak water into my dinning room, my ATM card died leaving me with no cash, and I'm having a lot of trouble at work. This has been a really, really shitty week.

But the thing that has me the most upset, the thing that I keep coming back to and thinking about is my ex. Right before he acted out, he was arrested for DUI while driving with a suspended license. He is a nut. He makes his own problems. But he's also seriously mentally ill. He needs medications. He needs someone to take care of him.

I knew this was coming. Two days before he tried to kill himself I call the Adult Protective Services office in his home state. They told me there was nothing they could do because he wasn't a bedridden senior citizen.

Damn-it! I spent 15 years married to him. I spent six years dating him. I tried to help him for TWENTY-ONE FU*KING YEARS. Why can't I let go. I don't love him. I don't want to be with him. Why am I letting this get under my skin?

Yes, we do have a child together. Yes, I am worried about what I'm going to tell her about her dad when she grows up. Yes, I'm sick to death that she can't have a normal relationship with her daddy. But is that reason enough to ruminate on his illness. It that a good enough reason to feel like it's my husband that tried to kill himself.

It's not the first time he's done this. It won't be the last. I fully expect to bury him in the next few years and I believe the cause of death will be suicide. I guess that's the problem. I guess that's what's eating at me. I feel like I can see the future... and I feel responsible. I keep telling myself the only difference is that it might happen sooner because I left. Well... and my daughter is safe. I have limited how much he can hurt our child. She is protected, now. I need to focus on that. He is the adult... he can choose to get help. Our daughter is five. She needs me more. She deserves to be safe.

Now, if I could just protect myself...