Deep thoughts from a Five Year Old

Deep thoughts from a Five Year Old

I'm not sure what got into Elizabeth today. In between bouncing off the walls because tomorrow is Halloween she has surprised me with her conversation.

It started this morning. Because of a scheduling anomaly we didn't have to get up for church today. She wondered into my bed and we lay next to each other alternately tickling each other and talking. Out of no where she said, "Mommy, when you are old and almost dead I will take care of you the way we took care of grandpa. You don't have to worry because I will go to the hospital every day and make sure you have food and you are clean."

I believe her.

When my dad was dying of cancer his care fell to me. Elizabeth wasn't even two, yet. But she would do what ever she could to help care for him... everything from holding his sippy cup to feeding him small bits of bread. I can tell her memory of this is foggy, but she does remember it on some level. Every once in a while she will come out with a detail of that time that is so obscure I know she didn't just hear about it. After I told her how proud I was of the way she helped take care of Grandpa Henry and how touched I was that she was going to take care of me, she said, "Mommy I can't wait until I go to heaven so I can meet Grandpa Henry again. I know he's going to be so proud of me when he meets me.

"Elizabeth", I said, "he already is."

Later we decided to make homemade pancakes... well pancakes from a mix, but not the frozen kind. The kind that you have to add water, stir, and cook on a griddle. We worked together as a team, taking turns measuring, stirring, and flipping the cakes. When we sat down together at the table, Elizabeth said, "This is the happiest day of life to eat hot pancakes with you."

In the afternoon a friend invited us to go fishing on his boat. I am blessed to have a lot of wonderful, caring men around me both to be my friends to be good role models for Elizabeth. I love to spend time with them, not just because they are role models; but because they are great human beings and what the heck... they’re fun people. But I also dread it a little bit. Spending time with men almost always leads to questions afterwards.

This afternoon my friend showed Elizabeth how to fish, how to cast, and showed her how to tell where the fish were, and lots of guy stuff that I don't have a clue about. We both had a great time on the beautiful lake with our friend.

When we got in the car to go home, it was so quiet in the car I could just feel the questions forming inside her little head. "Mommy, when can we go back to NJ and live with daddy?" she finally said.

I gave her my standard answer, "Sweetheart, daddy has some problems that he has to fix. He's working with the doctors and if he can ever fix his problems maybe we can go visit." That is usually enough. Not today.

"Mommy, how long will it take daddy to fix his problems?"

I didn't know what to say. I doubt Steve will ever "fix his problems" and even if he did... I'm not getting back with him. He burned that bridge, but good. They say honesty is the best policy, and I hope "they" are right because I told her that even though daddy is working really hard to fix his problems (ok, so I lied about this, but I don't want to trash her dad completely) it's going to take a long time to fix them. And, I said that some doctors are worried that they can't fix them at all.

"Mommy, what kind of problems does daddy have?" She had never asked this one before. How do you explain mental illness and bi-polar disorder to a five year old?

"Well," I started slowly and searched for the right words, "Well, daddy has problems with his brain and sometimes it makes him think differently from you and me. And when he thinks differently, he acts strangely. He has to fix his brain so it doesn't make him think differently any more."

She was quiet. Too quiet. I held my breath. "Mommy," she finally said. I felt myself tense up, "What can I do to help my daddy fix his thinking?"

"Oh sweetheart," I could feel tears burning my eyes, "Sweetie, all we can do is pray for daddy."

"Ok. I'll do that now." I looked in the rear view mirror. Elizabeth had clasped her hands and was bowing her head. "God," she said, "Please help my daddy. Please help my daddy so he thinks good. In Jesus name I pray. Amen."

I have no doubt that Grandpa Henry is very proud of his second grandchild.