The begining

The begining

Lots of people I know are doing this blog thing, so I thought I'd give it a try...

This week hasn't been the greatest for me. In case you don't know, I'm divorced. The reason I'm divorced is that my ex suffers from serious mental illness. I tried really hard to stick it out. Honest, I did. But when he killed our pet cats and said he was going to kill me and our daughter... I knew it was time to leave.

I've been gone a long time. I don't love him anymore. By the time I left I hadn't loved him for a long, long time. I only stayed because I vowed in sickness and in health. So, I don't understand my reactions. I'm really confused...

You see, he tried to kill himself again. A lot of bad things happened this week... I broke up with my boyfriend, my grandma was diagnosed with cancer, my grandpa had a stroke, my au pair crashed and totaled my car, my garbage disposal broke, my shower started to leak water into my dinning room, my ATM card died leaving me with no cash, and I'm having a lot of trouble at work. This has been a really, really shitty week.

But the thing that has me the most upset, the thing that I keep coming back to and thinking about is my ex. Right before he acted out, he was arrested for DUI while driving with a suspended license. He is a nut. He makes his own problems. But he's also seriously mentally ill. He needs medications. He needs someone to take care of him.

I knew this was coming. Two days before he tried to kill himself I call the Adult Protective Services office in his home state. They told me there was nothing they could do because he wasn't a bedridden senior citizen.

Damn-it! I spent 15 years married to him. I spent six years dating him. I tried to help him for TWENTY-ONE FU*KING YEARS. Why can't I let go. I don't love him. I don't want to be with him. Why am I letting this get under my skin?

Yes, we do have a child together. Yes, I am worried about what I'm going to tell her about her dad when she grows up. Yes, I'm sick to death that she can't have a normal relationship with her daddy. But is that reason enough to ruminate on his illness. It that a good enough reason to feel like it's my husband that tried to kill himself.

It's not the first time he's done this. It won't be the last. I fully expect to bury him in the next few years and I believe the cause of death will be suicide. I guess that's the problem. I guess that's what's eating at me. I feel like I can see the future... and I feel responsible. I keep telling myself the only difference is that it might happen sooner because I left. Well... and my daughter is safe. I have limited how much he can hurt our child. She is protected, now. I need to focus on that. He is the adult... he can choose to get help. Our daughter is five. She needs me more. She deserves to be safe.

Now, if I could just protect myself...