The end of the world as we know it...

Today it happened... Elizabeth called a girl friend on the phone and spent the next 15 - 20 minutes just chatting. I think we've entered into the next big phase in life. UGH... At least they have call waiting now.

Halloween and Popularity

This evening was the PTA Halloween Party at Elizabeth's school. It was a pretty nice evening -- they had pizza, a candy hunt, a cake walk, a hula hoop contest, a costume contest, candy corn counting and pumpkin weight guessing game, and some other traditional Halloween party activities.

I've always hated these kinds of events. Even as a child I hated them. I just don't like being in large groups of people. When I was a kid, it was especially painful because I didn't have many friends and it really bothered me. I always wanted to be one of those girls in the popular circle -- the ones who upon seeing each other across the room would wave and yell a greeting, run towards each other with open arms, embrace, kiss (in a we're really great girlfriends and I haven't seen in you in all of five minutes kinda way), and immediately giggle while whispering some great secerts in each others ears, giggle some more and then as gaggle run off to do some kind of really cool, really popular activity. This seems to happens if it's just two girls (you know the first two to arrive) and when there is a whole group of them - with a group hug and lots of kisses as the last girl arrives. Once they were done hugging, kissing, and giggling (well done giggling for time being) they always seemed to be in the "in" spot. They were always at the epicenter of every event and everyone always wanted to be where they were.

Around these girls, there were always various rings - kinda like the rings of hell but backwards. The further you got from "the girls", the more hellish your life seemed to be. I was always in the chess club/ debate club ring -- you know well outside of the bank geeks ring. That is, if I made it into a ring at all.

Tonight I discovered that my lovely little girl is at the center and right smack at the "in spot" ground zero. This made me so happy. I know that popularity isn't really something we should make a life goal - at least not in the shallow way that I'm talking about. And I would never say anything to her about it. But I'm still glad that she's there in the center. It always seemed like life was a little easier for the girls in this group. Now don't get me wrong, I know they faced and will face their own set of trials and heartaches. But what's wrong with having the benefits and little edge that comes from being popular. Life is hard enough - what's wrong taking advantage of the few things that come along to make it a little easier. Besides, even if really terrible things happen, you'll still have your circle of friends to support you during the hard times.

So... here are some pics from my little prom queen in the making:

Get Your Own! View Slideshow

PS: I snuck in a pre-party photo of poor Mama Ghada - Elizabeth is making her wear a prom dress for her Halloween costume... Elizabeth doesn't know how lucky she is to have the long suffering Mama Ghada.

On Grief

I am surrounded by grief. Some friends lost their son, another is waiting on news of a possible miscarriage, another just found out she has cervical cancer, and my grandma is still in the ICU on a vent. I can’t even begin to imagine how I would feel if I suddenly found myself in the shoes of the first three – and well, it’s true I’m really, really sad about my grandma, but the grief seems to be hitting others in my family more intensely. So, it seems odd and wrong that I am so filled with grief myself.

I have recently found myself adrift in grief. The kind where you are walking along, living your life, going about your day and suddenly waves of sadness wash over you and tears well up in your eyes. It’s been a long time since I was living with grief like this, so close to the surface on a daily basis.

So where did this come from? I know. Nov. 19th will be the fifth anniversary of my father’s death. It has been a slow and sad count down since 9/11. It’s like 9/11 was this big marker in time – a frozen photograph. As we observed that 5th anniversary, the grief started to slip out and return as I'm remembering the last weeks of his life. The bigger than life qualities of 9/11 became tied to all of the events in my life at the time… and the biggest event was this death march.

I feel kinda guilty and self-indulgent to be so affected by this when others are suffering such overwhelming and real and current grief. It just seems weak and tacky or something. But the loss of my father hit me really hard. There have been milestones in the recovery from the grief and this feels like a major set back.

In some ways, I’ve come a long way. Just before my father died, he hung a pair of pants on the back of my bathroom door. In the confusion and chaos of his last days, the pair of pants just hung there. Then as we were planning the funeral, it felt too sad – too final – too hard to remove the pants from the bathroom door. I kept saying to myself, “When the pain eases up I’ll take them down. I’ll put them away when I strong enough.” We lived in that house for more two years after that and I never could take the pants off the hook. They just hung there. My ex thought I was a little odd and he often teased me about the pants – which invariably triggered tears and he would laugh and say he didn’t mean it. I don’t know what the woman who cleaned my house thought of these pants, but after awhile I noticed that she started to dust them like all of the other furniture.

When we sold the house, I still couldn’t take them down. Everything in house was packed and the boxes were on the truck heading to the storage facility. The house was completely empty and cleaned in the way that only an empty house can be cleaned… but the pants still hung as we left the house. It was as if the act of taking them down was a final admission and acceptance he would never come back and get them. So I left them… waiting for his return.

I was - am the executrix of his estate. It was nearly impossible for me to settle his estate – such that it was. He didn’t have much so there wasn’t a lot involved. But I couldn’t do it. Each task required to move the process forward was like experiencing his death again… getting the death certificate, probating the will, settling the accounts. it was pure agony closing each account, each one was another affirmation that he was really gone. Actually, there is one account remaining. I really need to check on it and get the money. My brothers really need the money. But if I close the account the last “living” and tangible connection will be gone. It’s hard to believe how un-ready I am for that – even still.

It’s funny how the years had brought peace and the grief had faded to barely noticeable – at least when I wasn’t directly confronted with a reminder. But this milestone has it all rushing back as if it happened just a five months ago instead of five years.

Get a head start...

Don't wait for the crowded malls to start your Christmas shopping this year. Elizabeth and I have already picked out a couple of gifts we're going to send from this catalog.

Questions

1. What is worse: Going to your favorite restaurant, ordering your favorite steak only underneath the steak is a scabby band-aid. Or?
Losing one of my senses.

2. Do you like me?
If you have to ask...

3. What percent of all paper clips that you come in contact with do you unfold?
If you define "coming in contact with" as having it in your hand - then it's 100% of paper clips that are not actually clipped to paper (and even some of those.) If you define "come in contact with" as being able to see it in a container on my desk or in a box in my drawer - then it's a small percentage - maybe 5%

4. What are your five favorite movies? (Legally Blonde does not count)
It's a wonderful Life, Apollo 13, Working Girl, House of Flying Daggers, Blues Brothers

5. Have you ever left a pair of underwear in the forest?
yes

6. If zombies were real, would you be afraid of them?
Zombies are real! I saw a documentary in college. I'm not afraid of the zombies I'm afraid of the people who make zombies.

7. How many Cold Cut Combos could you eat in a day?
Depending on the portion size of each combo - a lot! Pastrami, corned beef, and Swiss; ham and cheese; roast beef, turkey, Cole slaw, and Swiss; chicken, brie, and honey mustard; do I need to go on?

8. How many times have you lost your keys in an article of clothing you are wearing?
Once in a while

9. Do you like almonds?
Yes.

10. Does God exist?
Yes

11. Is there something better than pie?
What kind of pie?

12. What were/are the economic, social, and political consequences of Marbury vs. Madison?
Do you really care?

13. Age?
It's not polite to ask a woman her age.

14. Sex?
Not tonight, I have a headache.

15. Location?
VA

16. In your opinion, is there always room for one more?
Yes.

17. What do you need more of?
Time, money, and mental health

18. How do you feel when you are stuck in traffic and a motorcycle drives by between the lanes?
I want to ask them if they know how dangerous that is, what their mom would say if she saw what they were doing, and how their friends and family would feel if they ended up like the biker who was decapitated on my front lawn. (really)

19. Do you want a Cadillac Escalade?
Does it have the North Star engine? Oh wait, I don't care, Cadillac isn't cool anymore.

20. What are your feelings regarding 25cent hot dog night?
Over priced. I hate Hot Dogs.

21. How often do you take public transportation?
As little as possible.

22. When you were 16 did you find Monty Python hilarious? Do you find them hilarious now?
YES! and YES!

23. Which is scarier: 1) As you are being put under anesthesia for a big, hairy operation, you find out that Mo, Larry, and Curly are assisting -or- 2) You are locked in a room and are forced to watch an endless loop of the same episode of Gilligan's Island?
My friend asked if she could take a nap during Gilligan's Island - I didn't think of that before, so I'm going to have to pick the Gilligan's Island loop

24. What is the biggest risk you are facing at this very moment?
falling asleep when I shouldn't.

25. Can you ever have too much money?
Do I get to pick the denomination? If I can, then no, you can never have too much money.

26. Black and Blue or Black and Tan?
black and blue - yummy

27. Have you ever kissed a boy on the lips?
Yes, of course.

28. Have you ever kissed a girl on the lips?
Yes and what's wrong with that?

29. If they made a movie of your life, what would the title of the movie be?
As the Stomach Turns - oh wait, that's taken. I don't know.

30. How many camels fit on the head of a pin?
How big is the pin?

31. Who do you like better ... Ben or Jerry?
Did one of them keep the ice cream? That's the one I like.

32. How many chapters will your book have?
Too many and not enough

33. What is your favorite color?
It changes with my mood, but mostly lavender

34. What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Do I care?

35. How long do you have to drive continually before you start going insane?
OK, am I the actual driver or a passenger in the car? As the driver, I can do the highway hypnosis thing and drive for a long, long time. But if I'm the passenger - about 30 minutes.

36. Boxers or Briefs?
N/A

37. What is the most important meal of the day?
all of the ones I actually get to partake in

38. Are you a Toys (backwards)R Us Kid?
I was, until I was forced to go there in my role as parent.

39. snow skiing: a great sport, or the greatest sport?
I really like protecting the structural integrity of my body – so neither.

40. can you lick your elbow?
No

41. did you just try to lick your elbow or did you already know that it is
physically impossible to do that?
I knew

42. Will you be in my punk band?
I have been in a punk band already, so sure I'll do yours, too.

43. Even if my punk band is named POLE-DANCING HEMATOMA?
why not, it's a punk band for goodness sakes

44. Is Crisco OK?
Crisco is great - can't make them pies without it.

45. How many times per minute must you remind yourself, "I am not my job"?
But I am my job - all gazillon of them.

46. Is M. Night Shmalayan lame?
I must be lame because I don't know who that is.

47. Were you hugged enough?
no.

48. Are you hugged enough?
You can never be hugged enough – especially when there is a child living in the house with you

49. ARE YOU EVER GOING TO BE HUGGED ENOUGH?
See previous answer.

50. Why don't you own a gas mask? Seriously.
Ummm... didn't know I needed one. This isn't Isreal. I don't even know where to buy one. Besides I'd rather own an iPod.

51. The Unitatis Redintegratio document of the Catholic Church's Second Vatican Council is desperately important because...
I'm not catholic and the pope is the antichrist so I don't know and I don't care.

52. Eminem or not?
What? Why?.

53. If you're a white person, and you don't listen to much hip-hop, and yet you like the Beastie Boys, what the hell is wrong with you? Don't you realize that the Beastie Boys ARE ELVIS?
This question is totally confusing. I have the feeling the person who wrote this question listens to too much hip-hop and doesn't do enough homework.

54. Are you trying to perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect? If not, whatever else could you possibly be doing with your life that is so important it could keep you from trying to be perfect as your Father is perfect?
This is between me and my God. Now go get the plank out of your eye.

55. How many minutes "ahead" or "behind" is your watch set for?
You have to set the watch? Maybe that's why I'm always late?

56. Where have you been?
Not enough places.

57. Name?
Mostly Liz, but some days it's Mud.

58. How far away from your home town do you live and how far away would you like to live?
Well, how do you define "home town"? Do you mean 1) The place I was born (Durham, NC), 2) The place where I spent the majority - but not all of my childhood years (Florham Park, NJ), 3) The place where I spent the majority of the last 20 years (Jersey City, NJ), or 4) They place I am currently trying to make my home (Falls Church, VA)?

59. In your opinion, is expensive champagne really better than cheap champagne?
I've never had really expensive champagne (that I’m aware of) but Cold Duck is pretty darned tasty.

60. How sad would you be if you ran over a cat?
I did once. It was my cat and I loved him very much. I was devastated for a long, long time. It was awful... ever hear the expression "like a chicken without a head?" Well that happens to cats, too.

61. If you were a parasite, would you rather spend your gestational stage in the innards of a cow or the innards of a caterpillar?
I really don't like the idea of spending any time in innards. I'm not Jonah.

62. How high does your volume knob go?
Well, that depends on which amp you're talking about. The amp on my home theater goes up to 100. But I have an amp for my stereo that has two gain knobs - one for the right channel and one for the left channel. They're not numbered, so would that be infinity * 2?

63. Totally rad, totally rockin, or totally sick?
Oh, dude... it's Tubular, dude.

64. What do you know about the Hood of death from Psalm 23?
I think I need to go back to Sunday School

65. Have you ever followed an exercise regimen to strengthen your core? (include responses to all five W's in your answer)
Spiritual core - yes many times -- even did the 40 Days of Purpos
Emotional core - sorta, I wouldn't really call it a regimen
Physical core - no but I don't think I have a physical core since muscles and junk are evenly distributed through out my system.

66. If the only kinds of candy left on the planet were m and ms (original), reeses pieces, and skittles, which variety would be most likely to survive the ensuing struggle for survival?
M&Ms Programmers live on them for a reason.

67. Top three power ballads?
1. Paradise By The Dashboard Light - Meatloaf
2. Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen
3. Stairway to Heaven - Led Zeppelin

68. Explain the statement "God is good." Support your position.
sunsets, kittens, love, chocolate, God is good QED

69. You must be world champion at something. What is it?
Answering stupid questions.

70. What is the first pop, rock, or rap song you choreographed dance moves to? What was your signature move?
It was either "Come on Get Happy" or "I Think I Love You", I'm not sure. While it was not used in the choreography for the two aforementioned songs, my signature move during this musical period was the Swim. Later works relied heavily on the Bump.

71. If you're in a relationship, and you and your significant other could redistribute your combined existing weight between the two of you (the girl could give 10 pounds to the guy, or vice versa, of any amount), what do you mutually decide to do?
Ah, well, I'm not in a relationship right now does that mean you don't want me to answer this question?

72. House, or Gray's Anatomy?
House!

73. Antz, or A Bug's Life?
I have managed to avoid both of these - I've never seen either one.

74. Paris Hilton, or Nicole Richie?
Too slap her to her senses? Both.

75. Toward, or towards?
Not sure.

76. Loving and losing, or never loving at all?
Loving and keeping

77. Coffee, or tea?
Tea

78. Or me?
I said I have a headache.

79. Why the hell do people ever waste money on weddings?
If you own a business and invite your clients, it's a tax write-off. Otherwise, it's often just a pissing contest. Also, if you don't invite someone to the reception, they are not obligated to give you a gift - look at it as an investment.

Obsessed Mom

I bet your sorry I figured out how to make videos on my PC...

Not again...

Well, I don't know for sure, and God knows I hope I'm wrong; but I think I will be going to another funeral in a short time.

My grandmother spent the last year battling cancer. She was just recently given the official word that she's in remission. It's amazing when the doctor actually says that word. She got to hear it.

Shortly after she was given a clean bill of health, she any my mom headed off on an extended vacation to see family. They had four (great) grandchildren they had never met. So, they drove off to Milwaukee and then headed back to New Jersey for a while. I'm told they had a grand time. Between the two locations they have seven (great) grandchildren to play with and spoil and just soak up.

Last Wednesday I was a work. It wasn't a special day in any way. I knew my mom and grandma had only been home for a few days. I was planning on calling them later that night to hear about their trip. But it was lunch time and like most days, I was taking a conference call, trying to eat a bite of lunch, and trying keep my in-box from overflowing all at the same time. My noon conference call ended a bit early, so I actually had a few minutes to visit the ladies room before my one o'clock conference call. Actually, it was a special day!

Silly me, I left my cell phone on my desk while I was in the ladies room. When I returned I had several messages waiting for me. I listened to the messages. Most of them were boring work related drivel. But there was one that was very odd. A woman identifying herself as a nurse left a message that she wanted to talk to me about my grandmother's health.

I was a bit perplexed. As far as I knew, grandma was doing fine. I didn't recognize the name of this nurse and she didn't leave a call back number. I thought maybe it was a random wrong number, but if it was important I figured the nurse would call me back.

About ten minutes into my one o'clock conference call my cell phone rang. I looked at the number displayed on the screen and I didn't recognize it. I did recognize that the area code was the same as my grandmother's. Now I was a very nervous, bordering on scared. I put my conference call on mute so they couldn't hear me and I answered the call on my cell.

It was the nurse.

It was my grandma.

Long story short - my grandma was in the ER with pneumonia. The nurse said she had underlying lung disease and some other health issues. She didn't think my grandma was going to make it. For those of you that care about this stuff, her blood oxygen level was 75. Even still, the nurse said she was comfortable.

The nurse said that my mom had asked her to call me. She said that my mom wanted me to decide if my grandma should be a DNR. The nurse was pretty sure they were going to need to put grandma on a vent. She said if she was a DNR, they would not put her on the vent.

My conference call was still jabbering on in the background. I took them off mute long enough to tell them I was stepping out of the call for a few minutes. With my cell phone stuck to my ear I ran into the office of friend and asked her if she could pick up my call. Not realizing the impact of my words, I turned back to the nurse on the phone and said, "So what will her quality of life be like on the vent." as I walked out of my friend's office. (About five minutes after that my office filled up with folks coming to check on me because my friend had singled that I might be in trouble.)

So now you have about as much information as I did at that moment. The nurse was pressuring me to make a decision and it was clear the nurse thought DNR was the way to go. She kept saying, "Once you put her on the vent, she'll never come off." I tired to get more information, to get a better grasp of the situation, to account for her seeming bias.

Finally, I don't know what prompted me, but I asked her... I asked, "Is my grandma conscious?" She was silent for a minute and then said, "Yes." I was stunned! How could she have the audacity to ask me to make that kind of a decision for someone who could speak for themself! What was she thinking! I told her I wasn't going to make that decision until I talked to my grandma.

Later that day, I finally got through to the attending oncologist. He had a much different opinion than the nurse. He said they had put her on bypass with 100% oxygen and her blood oxygen levels were up to 92 - 93. That's still a bit below normal, but much more compatible with life than 75. He said it was much to soon to be talking about vents and DNRs. He said we should let her rest with her improved oxygen levels and see if the antibiotics take hold.

In the mean time, I talked to my mom and my grandma. She was able to make her wishes known... She didn't want to be a vegetable just being kept alive by machines, so, if that was a very likely outcome, she didn't want heroic measures. But if there was a reasonable hope she would recover, she wanted them to do everything they could. I guess you could call that a modified DNR.

It's been a little over a week. She's been on bypass with 100% oxygen. She doesn't seem to be recovering, but she's not really getting worse, I think. I'm not sure.

My mom called me. She said they are worried about how long she has been on 100% oxygen. The doctors want to move my grandma to the ICU and put her on a vent. The doctor couldn't (or wouldn't) make a guess as to the reasonable outcome. He said that putting her on the vent could allow her body to really rest and she could recuperate. My mom said, "Well, she doesn't want to linger. But if you think there is a good chance she'll get better... let's do it."

I think (I hope) my mom made the right decision. It's the same decision I would have made based on the information she shared with me. But I've also heard horror stories about elderly folks being taken off respirators. I've heard, if they're not going to recover and when they're taken off the vent - there's a good chance they will linger for several days just waiting to die.

So as I type, my grandma is in the ICU and she is breathing with a vent. I usually try to be a glass-half-full kinda person. But I'm having a really hard time staying positive about this. I know to many people in "the business." My job keeps me on the fringes of the medical profession. I don't have the kind of experience that a doctor or a nurse or even a med-tech would have. But I think I know more about this stuff than "Joe Blow" on the street. Just because I work with the computers that go into medical devices and blood stuff and assays and junk like that and of course the people who use the stuff I make.

In this case, I really think a little knowledge is a bad thing. I've heard too many stories with an outcome I'd rather avoid. I know enough to be scared, but not enough to comfort myself. I don't have a good grasp of the real odds or the real meaning of what's happening. I know just enough to know this is really, really bad and I can't see the up-side.

My mom, on the other hand, is very positive and optimistic. She is convinced that this is just a little set back and her mother will be back home with her in just a few more days.

I wish I could find the happy, but realistic, spot between me and my mom. I want to believe that knowing my grandmother's wishes, the doctors wouldn't put her on the vent if they didn't think there was a reasonable chance of her recovery. But what if they did this because they don't think her wishes were spelled out clearly enough. I know my mom can sound really wishy-washy when she's afraid. I'm pretty sure that the doctor heard an extremely mixed message. So, I couldn't blame him/her if they put her on the vent because they weren't confident that my mom understood the situation.

So, I'm really afraid. I'm afraid that I'll be back in a funeral home in a matter of days or weeks. I'm really not ready for this. There has been much to much death in my life. I know that death is a part of life, but why does there have to be so much of it? I know that life has overcome death and we will be together again for eternity. But why does it have to hurt so much now?


Please say a prayer for my grandma tonight.

Better late than never...