Not again...
Well, I don't know for sure, and God knows I hope I'm wrong; but I think I will be going to another funeral in a short time.
My grandmother spent the last year battling cancer. She was just recently given the official word that she's in remission. It's amazing when the doctor actually says that word. She got to hear it.
Shortly after she was given a clean bill of health, she any my mom headed off on an extended vacation to see family. They had four (great) grandchildren they had never met. So, they drove off to Milwaukee and then headed back to New Jersey for a while. I'm told they had a grand time. Between the two locations they have seven (great) grandchildren to play with and spoil and just soak up.
Last Wednesday I was a work. It wasn't a special day in any way. I knew my mom and grandma had only been home for a few days. I was planning on calling them later that night to hear about their trip. But it was lunch time and like most days, I was taking a conference call, trying to eat a bite of lunch, and trying keep my in-box from overflowing all at the same time. My noon conference call ended a bit early, so I actually had a few minutes to visit the ladies room before my one o'clock conference call. Actually, it was a special day!
Silly me, I left my cell phone on my desk while I was in the ladies room. When I returned I had several messages waiting for me. I listened to the messages. Most of them were boring work related drivel. But there was one that was very odd. A woman identifying herself as a nurse left a message that she wanted to talk to me about my grandmother's health.
I was a bit perplexed. As far as I knew, grandma was doing fine. I didn't recognize the name of this nurse and she didn't leave a call back number. I thought maybe it was a random wrong number, but if it was important I figured the nurse would call me back.
About ten minutes into my one o'clock conference call my cell phone rang. I looked at the number displayed on the screen and I didn't recognize it. I did recognize that the area code was the same as my grandmother's. Now I was a very nervous, bordering on scared. I put my conference call on mute so they couldn't hear me and I answered the call on my cell.
It was the nurse.
It was my grandma.
Long story short - my grandma was in the ER with pneumonia. The nurse said she had underlying lung disease and some other health issues. She didn't think my grandma was going to make it. For those of you that care about this stuff, her blood oxygen level was 75. Even still, the nurse said she was comfortable.
The nurse said that my mom had asked her to call me. She said that my mom wanted me to decide if my grandma should be a DNR. The nurse was pretty sure they were going to need to put grandma on a vent. She said if she was a DNR, they would not put her on the vent.
My conference call was still jabbering on in the background. I took them off mute long enough to tell them I was stepping out of the call for a few minutes. With my cell phone stuck to my ear I ran into the office of friend and asked her if she could pick up my call. Not realizing the impact of my words, I turned back to the nurse on the phone and said, "So what will her quality of life be like on the vent." as I walked out of my friend's office. (About five minutes after that my office filled up with folks coming to check on me because my friend had singled that I might be in trouble.)
So now you have about as much information as I did at that moment. The nurse was pressuring me to make a decision and it was clear the nurse thought DNR was the way to go. She kept saying, "Once you put her on the vent, she'll never come off." I tired to get more information, to get a better grasp of the situation, to account for her seeming bias.
Finally, I don't know what prompted me, but I asked her... I asked, "Is my grandma conscious?" She was silent for a minute and then said, "Yes." I was stunned! How could she have the audacity to ask me to make that kind of a decision for someone who could speak for themself! What was she thinking! I told her I wasn't going to make that decision until I talked to my grandma.
Later that day, I finally got through to the attending oncologist. He had a much different opinion than the nurse. He said they had put her on bypass with 100% oxygen and her blood oxygen levels were up to 92 - 93. That's still a bit below normal, but much more compatible with life than 75. He said it was much to soon to be talking about vents and DNRs. He said we should let her rest with her improved oxygen levels and see if the antibiotics take hold.
In the mean time, I talked to my mom and my grandma. She was able to make her wishes known... She didn't want to be a vegetable just being kept alive by machines, so, if that was a very likely outcome, she didn't want heroic measures. But if there was a reasonable hope she would recover, she wanted them to do everything they could. I guess you could call that a modified DNR.
It's been a little over a week. She's been on bypass with 100% oxygen. She doesn't seem to be recovering, but she's not really getting worse, I think. I'm not sure.
My mom called me. She said they are worried about how long she has been on 100% oxygen. The doctors want to move my grandma to the ICU and put her on a vent. The doctor couldn't (or wouldn't) make a guess as to the reasonable outcome. He said that putting her on the vent could allow her body to really rest and she could recuperate. My mom said, "Well, she doesn't want to linger. But if you think there is a good chance she'll get better... let's do it."
I think (I hope) my mom made the right decision. It's the same decision I would have made based on the information she shared with me. But I've also heard horror stories about elderly folks being taken off respirators. I've heard, if they're not going to recover and when they're taken off the vent - there's a good chance they will linger for several days just waiting to die.
So as I type, my grandma is in the ICU and she is breathing with a vent. I usually try to be a glass-half-full kinda person. But I'm having a really hard time staying positive about this. I know to many people in "the business." My job keeps me on the fringes of the medical profession. I don't have the kind of experience that a doctor or a nurse or even a med-tech would have. But I think I know more about this stuff than "Joe Blow" on the street. Just because I work with the computers that go into medical devices and blood stuff and assays and junk like that and of course the people who use the stuff I make.
In this case, I really think a little knowledge is a bad thing. I've heard too many stories with an outcome I'd rather avoid. I know enough to be scared, but not enough to comfort myself. I don't have a good grasp of the real odds or the real meaning of what's happening. I know just enough to know this is really, really bad and I can't see the up-side.
My mom, on the other hand, is very positive and optimistic. She is convinced that this is just a little set back and her mother will be back home with her in just a few more days.
I wish I could find the happy, but realistic, spot between me and my mom. I want to believe that knowing my grandmother's wishes, the doctors wouldn't put her on the vent if they didn't think there was a reasonable chance of her recovery. But what if they did this because they don't think her wishes were spelled out clearly enough. I know my mom can sound really wishy-washy when she's afraid. I'm pretty sure that the doctor heard an extremely mixed message. So, I couldn't blame him/her if they put her on the vent because they weren't confident that my mom understood the situation.
So, I'm really afraid. I'm afraid that I'll be back in a funeral home in a matter of days or weeks. I'm really not ready for this. There has been much to much death in my life. I know that death is a part of life, but why does there have to be so much of it? I know that life has overcome death and we will be together again for eternity. But why does it have to hurt so much now?
Please say a prayer for my grandma tonight.
My grandmother spent the last year battling cancer. She was just recently given the official word that she's in remission. It's amazing when the doctor actually says that word. She got to hear it.
Shortly after she was given a clean bill of health, she any my mom headed off on an extended vacation to see family. They had four (great) grandchildren they had never met. So, they drove off to Milwaukee and then headed back to New Jersey for a while. I'm told they had a grand time. Between the two locations they have seven (great) grandchildren to play with and spoil and just soak up.
Last Wednesday I was a work. It wasn't a special day in any way. I knew my mom and grandma had only been home for a few days. I was planning on calling them later that night to hear about their trip. But it was lunch time and like most days, I was taking a conference call, trying to eat a bite of lunch, and trying keep my in-box from overflowing all at the same time. My noon conference call ended a bit early, so I actually had a few minutes to visit the ladies room before my one o'clock conference call. Actually, it was a special day!
Silly me, I left my cell phone on my desk while I was in the ladies room. When I returned I had several messages waiting for me. I listened to the messages. Most of them were boring work related drivel. But there was one that was very odd. A woman identifying herself as a nurse left a message that she wanted to talk to me about my grandmother's health.
I was a bit perplexed. As far as I knew, grandma was doing fine. I didn't recognize the name of this nurse and she didn't leave a call back number. I thought maybe it was a random wrong number, but if it was important I figured the nurse would call me back.
About ten minutes into my one o'clock conference call my cell phone rang. I looked at the number displayed on the screen and I didn't recognize it. I did recognize that the area code was the same as my grandmother's. Now I was a very nervous, bordering on scared. I put my conference call on mute so they couldn't hear me and I answered the call on my cell.
It was the nurse.
It was my grandma.
Long story short - my grandma was in the ER with pneumonia. The nurse said she had underlying lung disease and some other health issues. She didn't think my grandma was going to make it. For those of you that care about this stuff, her blood oxygen level was 75. Even still, the nurse said she was comfortable.
The nurse said that my mom had asked her to call me. She said that my mom wanted me to decide if my grandma should be a DNR. The nurse was pretty sure they were going to need to put grandma on a vent. She said if she was a DNR, they would not put her on the vent.
My conference call was still jabbering on in the background. I took them off mute long enough to tell them I was stepping out of the call for a few minutes. With my cell phone stuck to my ear I ran into the office of friend and asked her if she could pick up my call. Not realizing the impact of my words, I turned back to the nurse on the phone and said, "So what will her quality of life be like on the vent." as I walked out of my friend's office. (About five minutes after that my office filled up with folks coming to check on me because my friend had singled that I might be in trouble.)
So now you have about as much information as I did at that moment. The nurse was pressuring me to make a decision and it was clear the nurse thought DNR was the way to go. She kept saying, "Once you put her on the vent, she'll never come off." I tired to get more information, to get a better grasp of the situation, to account for her seeming bias.
Finally, I don't know what prompted me, but I asked her... I asked, "Is my grandma conscious?" She was silent for a minute and then said, "Yes." I was stunned! How could she have the audacity to ask me to make that kind of a decision for someone who could speak for themself! What was she thinking! I told her I wasn't going to make that decision until I talked to my grandma.
Later that day, I finally got through to the attending oncologist. He had a much different opinion than the nurse. He said they had put her on bypass with 100% oxygen and her blood oxygen levels were up to 92 - 93. That's still a bit below normal, but much more compatible with life than 75. He said it was much to soon to be talking about vents and DNRs. He said we should let her rest with her improved oxygen levels and see if the antibiotics take hold.
In the mean time, I talked to my mom and my grandma. She was able to make her wishes known... She didn't want to be a vegetable just being kept alive by machines, so, if that was a very likely outcome, she didn't want heroic measures. But if there was a reasonable hope she would recover, she wanted them to do everything they could. I guess you could call that a modified DNR.
It's been a little over a week. She's been on bypass with 100% oxygen. She doesn't seem to be recovering, but she's not really getting worse, I think. I'm not sure.
My mom called me. She said they are worried about how long she has been on 100% oxygen. The doctors want to move my grandma to the ICU and put her on a vent. The doctor couldn't (or wouldn't) make a guess as to the reasonable outcome. He said that putting her on the vent could allow her body to really rest and she could recuperate. My mom said, "Well, she doesn't want to linger. But if you think there is a good chance she'll get better... let's do it."
I think (I hope) my mom made the right decision. It's the same decision I would have made based on the information she shared with me. But I've also heard horror stories about elderly folks being taken off respirators. I've heard, if they're not going to recover and when they're taken off the vent - there's a good chance they will linger for several days just waiting to die.
So as I type, my grandma is in the ICU and she is breathing with a vent. I usually try to be a glass-half-full kinda person. But I'm having a really hard time staying positive about this. I know to many people in "the business." My job keeps me on the fringes of the medical profession. I don't have the kind of experience that a doctor or a nurse or even a med-tech would have. But I think I know more about this stuff than "Joe Blow" on the street. Just because I work with the computers that go into medical devices and blood stuff and assays and junk like that and of course the people who use the stuff I make.
In this case, I really think a little knowledge is a bad thing. I've heard too many stories with an outcome I'd rather avoid. I know enough to be scared, but not enough to comfort myself. I don't have a good grasp of the real odds or the real meaning of what's happening. I know just enough to know this is really, really bad and I can't see the up-side.
My mom, on the other hand, is very positive and optimistic. She is convinced that this is just a little set back and her mother will be back home with her in just a few more days.
I wish I could find the happy, but realistic, spot between me and my mom. I want to believe that knowing my grandmother's wishes, the doctors wouldn't put her on the vent if they didn't think there was a reasonable chance of her recovery. But what if they did this because they don't think her wishes were spelled out clearly enough. I know my mom can sound really wishy-washy when she's afraid. I'm pretty sure that the doctor heard an extremely mixed message. So, I couldn't blame him/her if they put her on the vent because they weren't confident that my mom understood the situation.
So, I'm really afraid. I'm afraid that I'll be back in a funeral home in a matter of days or weeks. I'm really not ready for this. There has been much to much death in my life. I know that death is a part of life, but why does there have to be so much of it? I know that life has overcome death and we will be together again for eternity. But why does it have to hurt so much now?
Please say a prayer for my grandma tonight.
posted by Liz at 11:56 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home