It's Working!
For sometime now, well since before she was born, I have worried about Elizabeth's self-esteem and her ability to be properly assertive (that is standing up for herself and taking care of herself without being a bully or a bitch or mean.) I worried about this, because I have serious issues with self-esteem and assertiveness. I've been working hard to address these deficits, but I'm not sure that I've been as successful as I need to be (or would like to be.) So, I worry... how can I teach someone to do and to think and to feel things that are so elusive to me.
Well, yesterday I was presented with objective evidence that Elizabeth is developing a healthy sense of self-esteem or at least she knows how to talk the talk... and I'm pretty sure at six-years-old she hasn't figured out the fine art of telling people what they want to hear. At least not in this case.
Yesterday Elizabeth was mad at me. I forget the exact cause of her being mad at me, it was some kind of kid disappointment... she wasn't getting her way or something. In her anger she said, "I hate you!" She said it several times. My normal response to this statement is something to the effect of, "That's ok. I will always love you no matter what." But yesterday she got me at a bad point... maybe a moment of low energy or high frustration or both so instead I said, "Yeah, well me to!"
Now adults will immediately recognize that my intention was to say that at that moment I hated her, too. I really didn't hate her and I feel really, really evil for having to admit that I thought such a thing... even in jest; but like I said, it was a low moment for me. Elizabeth had a different take away message. She heard me say that I literally hated myself. She immediately dropped all of her anger and became very concerned.
"Mom!" she said. "You shouldn't do that."
At first I felt flush with guilt. She was calling me on my moment of parental weakness. But then she went on... "Momma, you have to love yourself!" She was obviously alarmed that I hated myself.
I took advantage of the moment to probe a little into her thinking process and her feelings about herself. And I'm happy to report that I think she's getting the message. I know we have a lot of self-esteem hurdles yet to over come -- that in some ways the real test of self-esteem doesn't even begin until puberty. But on the other hand she is so far ahead of me... so far ahead of where I was at her age... at any age... that I feel a momentary sense of relief and celebration. After all, if you don't have self-esteem as you head into puberty; you certainly aren't going to pick it up during that time in your life.
Well, yesterday I was presented with objective evidence that Elizabeth is developing a healthy sense of self-esteem or at least she knows how to talk the talk... and I'm pretty sure at six-years-old she hasn't figured out the fine art of telling people what they want to hear. At least not in this case.
Yesterday Elizabeth was mad at me. I forget the exact cause of her being mad at me, it was some kind of kid disappointment... she wasn't getting her way or something. In her anger she said, "I hate you!" She said it several times. My normal response to this statement is something to the effect of, "That's ok. I will always love you no matter what." But yesterday she got me at a bad point... maybe a moment of low energy or high frustration or both so instead I said, "Yeah, well me to!"
Now adults will immediately recognize that my intention was to say that at that moment I hated her, too. I really didn't hate her and I feel really, really evil for having to admit that I thought such a thing... even in jest; but like I said, it was a low moment for me. Elizabeth had a different take away message. She heard me say that I literally hated myself. She immediately dropped all of her anger and became very concerned.
"Mom!" she said. "You shouldn't do that."
At first I felt flush with guilt. She was calling me on my moment of parental weakness. But then she went on... "Momma, you have to love yourself!" She was obviously alarmed that I hated myself.
I took advantage of the moment to probe a little into her thinking process and her feelings about herself. And I'm happy to report that I think she's getting the message. I know we have a lot of self-esteem hurdles yet to over come -- that in some ways the real test of self-esteem doesn't even begin until puberty. But on the other hand she is so far ahead of me... so far ahead of where I was at her age... at any age... that I feel a momentary sense of relief and celebration. After all, if you don't have self-esteem as you head into puberty; you certainly aren't going to pick it up during that time in your life.
posted by Liz at 6:03 AM
3 Comments:
Yay!!!
I'm trying really hard to be conscious of how I'm projecting my feelings about myself. I mean, I feel fine about myself, but it almost seems to be a woman's ... what? Requirement? To bash ourselves verbally. "No, I don't really look nice in that dress!" or what have you. It's important, I feel, to remember that little ears and eyes are soaking up EVERYTHING.
Hooray for your secure and caring little girl.
Yay!! Go Mom ... :-)
out of the mouths of babes!
Post a Comment
<< Home