Life in the Big City: October 2007

Cox Farms 2008

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Cox Farms

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Cox Farms 2007

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Lizzie takes a break from the Penny Pit

Cox Farms 2007

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Eliazbeth and her new best friends - BFF!

Lizzie at Cox Farms 2008

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Elton may be frantic for his glasses, but I think Lizzie is adorable!

Lies, Liers, and the 12 Steps

A few days ago I was discussing the 12 steps with a few friends. I've "worked the steps" twice. Each time was a bit different - once as a member of Al-Anon and once as a member of an Incest Anonymous group.

Both times, I came to the steps seeing myself as a victim. No one can deny that to some extent I was a victim both times. I really was powerless. There wasn't even a hint of social judgement. No one could even pretend that I alone could make things better - that my life would be great if I just behaved better or if I just stopped doing whatever destructive behaviour you want to name - drinking, drugs, gambling, whatever. I didn't do any of those Anonymous type things.

In Al-Anon, someone could have said, "Just dump the drunken bastard." But that still wasn't the same as saying, "YOU are a drunken bastard - you're choosing to drink that beer and you could stop if you wanted!" No. No one would dare say, "When you were a toddler you enjoyed that sodomy and if you'd only been morally pure enough to stay in your crib where you belonged you wouldn't be in this mess." I was as pure a victim as they come.

As a result, when I got to steps four, five, and six I really stumbled. Why did *I* have to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. Hell, I was the victim here. And what were these supposed wrongs to which I had to admit to in their exact nature before God and another human being? Huh? What in the world were they thinking when they decided I had defects of character? Where they trying to say I deserved to be abused?

For a long time I got hung up on the "deserved to be abused" thread. Of course, that was an issue I was battling long before I met the 12 Steps. Often survivors of trauma (whether it be abuse, natural disaster, war, whatever) automatically assume that it was all their fault. Some how they deserved this terrible fate. If they had a better character it wouldn't have happened to them. So, this played right into that. I was well enough to get angry when someone else said (or implied) I was abused because I deserved but I was not recovered enough to fully and completely believe the absurdity of that move past it.

As I struggled with that - feeling abused by The Steps and knowing that wasn't the intention - I started to have a revelation. It was slow at first, but grew stronger and louder and more clear with time. I started to look at myself really well. When someone is so clearly and unimaginably abused they develop coping mechanisms. It's impossible to survive that situation without them. But here's the funny thing about coping mechanisms: when your not being abused the very things that helped you survive become hurtful. Those thoughts, behaviours, feelings... the very ways you have learned to live your life hurt you. Worse, they hurt those around you. That was an awful realization. I had never abused anyone. I had never overtly hurt someone. But I did have flaws, I had hurt people I cared about, and I needed to make amends.

I've been thinking about my struggle with steps four, five, and six a lot lately. There has been some trouble in my church recently. An individual in our church feels that they have been wounded by us or by some of us or something. The truth of the matter is - I'm very hurt by my friend and the way this person is pointing their finger at us. I don't want people to stay where they feel uncomfortable. So, whenever anyone feels its time to move on from a church I attend, a job we share... whatever it is, I know I will miss them but I hug them good bye and wish them well on their journey. In this case, I feel like I was kicked in the stomach and blamed for the pain.

My friend told lies about me within our little community. My friend told me lies about others in our community. Everyone was upset. Everyone felt hurt. Anxiety and stress and pain were dripping for every pour. People were confused. Nothing seemed to fit. But if our church has one thing... our church has an abundance of love and an amazing desire for healing and wholeness. Everyone came together to try and put the pieces together. We were desperate to restore ourselves and our church.

At the core, we love each other, we really do. The church leadership went to every single person involved and asked, "What have *I* done wrong? How have *I* hurt you? How can *I* make it right?" They took hours and hours to make sure that everyone had a chance to speak their mind and worked hard to resolved the issues presented to them. All involved poured their free time and their love and their prayers into the process of making amends and making it right.

It was funny. A clear picture started to emerge. Over and over again I heard myself say, "Hey I never said that about you!" or "Hey, I never even thought that - let alone said it!" Over and over again I heard others say, "Hey, I never said that about you!" or "Hey, I never even thought that - let alone said it!" People started to come together in healing and prayer and hugging.

But the funny thing was this... there was one person who didn't say, "Hey, I never said that about you." There was one person who could not say, "Hey, I never even thought that - let alone said it!" The more obvious it because that this person could not join us in the chorus of, "Hey, I never said that" the more hurtful the person because towards us. The person lashed out at church members with louder and more ridiculous claims. But like I said, if we have anything it's an abundance of love so we circled around this person. We wanted to heal with this person, to pray, to make things better, and to forgive this person. But the more we loved and the more prayed and the more we tried to make things right - the more angry the person became until they were gone.

Now I hear that we're a bad church because we don't let people speak freely. I hear we don't allow people to disagree and we expect our members to be blind sheep aimlessly following our leadership. When I hear these things, I hand my head in sorrow. I think about my struggles with Steps 4, 5, and 6. I think about how badly abused I was as child and I remember the extreme coping mechanisms I developed to survive my abuse and how dysfunctional those mechanisms were once I was in healthier environments. I don't know... I don't know why people behave the way they. I just wish my friend didn't hurt the people around them... the people I love and that they used to love. I wish my friend didn't hurt so much either.

10 - 20 - 30

10 years ago - October 1997 - At this point in time my consulting business was going gang busters! Both my partner and I had quit our full-time day jobs and we were totally focused on the business. At any given moment we had about 4 - 5 employees working for us. (That would grow to 15 by the end of the company.) Life was good on the professional side of things. This may sound really odd when you read the next sentence... but my personal life was really good, too. My husband and I were separated. I kicked him out and it was the most freeing, self-empowering things I've ever had the pleasure to enjoy! It was purely sublime. He went to AA and NA and worked faithfully with his docs and a few months later we got back together. THANK-GOD! If that hadn't happened I wouldn't have Elizabeth. Though I could have lived without the other garbage that came with him.

20 years ago - October 1987 - I was a year or two into my career as a c/UNIX programmer. Yes, that's c. It's NOT c++ or Visual c or anything fancy like that. I wrote in good, old fashioned c (and a little assemble - but don't ask me about that today.) Around this time I got to meet Brian Kernighan when I

went to a meeting at Bell Labs. Also, I had just gotten my first promotion. Junior Programmers were eligible for a promotion after 24 full months of service. But my project manager went to our management and made the case to promote me at 18 months. My boyfriend / to be husband / to be ex was working for Bear Sterns in NYC. The horrible life of stocks and bonds made everyone unhappy. But somehow we found the time to get engaged.

30 years ago - October 1977 - Six to eight weeks into the school year I was still adjusting to life as a high school freshman. I spent a lot of my spare time sitting in gas lines to keep my parents company while they waited... but by October '77 they were starting to get a little bit shorter. You still had to watch for the red, yellow, and green flags even when there was no line at the pump. I got my first really grown up album - Billy Joel, The Stranger (released Sept. '77.) In the mornings I spent a lot of time (and I mean a LOT) trying to get my fine little hairs to poof out for the perfect Dorothy Hamill Wedge. It didn't work. Maybe I could do it now with some of the super stiff hair products they have now... but in '77 my Wedge was more like a flat bowl cut.

I know we weren't ask for 40 years ago - but for the record in 1967 I started Kindergarten... an event that I was looking forward too!!!

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All right, This is an experiment started by Mary DeMuth to see how many degrees we can separate (kind of like Kevin Bacon, only it's relevantblog). Even if you're not tagged, don't be crabby, just take up the baton and run with it. Here's what I ask: Have folks post their 10-20-30s, and then link back to the Mother Ship (www.relevantblog.blogspot.com) or write a comment here, saying where you heard about this experiment and sharing where you blog. This isn't to build my empire, it's to find out how far we can expand the blogosphere. After all this talk about blog tours, it got me thinking. How many people can one blog potentially reach?

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I, Liz, am third or maybe fourth generation.

Things people no longer say (or if they do, they don't know why)

1) Solid State
2) In living color
3) Crank'er up
4) Long Playing
5) Polaroid
6) Rabbit ears
7) Ice box
8) Cool air conditioning inside
9) Carburator - as in "Your gonna flood it."
10) Pong