Lies, Liers, and the 12 Steps

A few days ago I was discussing the 12 steps with a few friends. I've "worked the steps" twice. Each time was a bit different - once as a member of Al-Anon and once as a member of an Incest Anonymous group.

Both times, I came to the steps seeing myself as a victim. No one can deny that to some extent I was a victim both times. I really was powerless. There wasn't even a hint of social judgement. No one could even pretend that I alone could make things better - that my life would be great if I just behaved better or if I just stopped doing whatever destructive behaviour you want to name - drinking, drugs, gambling, whatever. I didn't do any of those Anonymous type things.

In Al-Anon, someone could have said, "Just dump the drunken bastard." But that still wasn't the same as saying, "YOU are a drunken bastard - you're choosing to drink that beer and you could stop if you wanted!" No. No one would dare say, "When you were a toddler you enjoyed that sodomy and if you'd only been morally pure enough to stay in your crib where you belonged you wouldn't be in this mess." I was as pure a victim as they come.

As a result, when I got to steps four, five, and six I really stumbled. Why did *I* have to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. Hell, I was the victim here. And what were these supposed wrongs to which I had to admit to in their exact nature before God and another human being? Huh? What in the world were they thinking when they decided I had defects of character? Where they trying to say I deserved to be abused?

For a long time I got hung up on the "deserved to be abused" thread. Of course, that was an issue I was battling long before I met the 12 Steps. Often survivors of trauma (whether it be abuse, natural disaster, war, whatever) automatically assume that it was all their fault. Some how they deserved this terrible fate. If they had a better character it wouldn't have happened to them. So, this played right into that. I was well enough to get angry when someone else said (or implied) I was abused because I deserved but I was not recovered enough to fully and completely believe the absurdity of that move past it.

As I struggled with that - feeling abused by The Steps and knowing that wasn't the intention - I started to have a revelation. It was slow at first, but grew stronger and louder and more clear with time. I started to look at myself really well. When someone is so clearly and unimaginably abused they develop coping mechanisms. It's impossible to survive that situation without them. But here's the funny thing about coping mechanisms: when your not being abused the very things that helped you survive become hurtful. Those thoughts, behaviours, feelings... the very ways you have learned to live your life hurt you. Worse, they hurt those around you. That was an awful realization. I had never abused anyone. I had never overtly hurt someone. But I did have flaws, I had hurt people I cared about, and I needed to make amends.

I've been thinking about my struggle with steps four, five, and six a lot lately. There has been some trouble in my church recently. An individual in our church feels that they have been wounded by us or by some of us or something. The truth of the matter is - I'm very hurt by my friend and the way this person is pointing their finger at us. I don't want people to stay where they feel uncomfortable. So, whenever anyone feels its time to move on from a church I attend, a job we share... whatever it is, I know I will miss them but I hug them good bye and wish them well on their journey. In this case, I feel like I was kicked in the stomach and blamed for the pain.

My friend told lies about me within our little community. My friend told me lies about others in our community. Everyone was upset. Everyone felt hurt. Anxiety and stress and pain were dripping for every pour. People were confused. Nothing seemed to fit. But if our church has one thing... our church has an abundance of love and an amazing desire for healing and wholeness. Everyone came together to try and put the pieces together. We were desperate to restore ourselves and our church.

At the core, we love each other, we really do. The church leadership went to every single person involved and asked, "What have *I* done wrong? How have *I* hurt you? How can *I* make it right?" They took hours and hours to make sure that everyone had a chance to speak their mind and worked hard to resolved the issues presented to them. All involved poured their free time and their love and their prayers into the process of making amends and making it right.

It was funny. A clear picture started to emerge. Over and over again I heard myself say, "Hey I never said that about you!" or "Hey, I never even thought that - let alone said it!" Over and over again I heard others say, "Hey, I never said that about you!" or "Hey, I never even thought that - let alone said it!" People started to come together in healing and prayer and hugging.

But the funny thing was this... there was one person who didn't say, "Hey, I never said that about you." There was one person who could not say, "Hey, I never even thought that - let alone said it!" The more obvious it because that this person could not join us in the chorus of, "Hey, I never said that" the more hurtful the person because towards us. The person lashed out at church members with louder and more ridiculous claims. But like I said, if we have anything it's an abundance of love so we circled around this person. We wanted to heal with this person, to pray, to make things better, and to forgive this person. But the more we loved and the more prayed and the more we tried to make things right - the more angry the person became until they were gone.

Now I hear that we're a bad church because we don't let people speak freely. I hear we don't allow people to disagree and we expect our members to be blind sheep aimlessly following our leadership. When I hear these things, I hand my head in sorrow. I think about my struggles with Steps 4, 5, and 6. I think about how badly abused I was as child and I remember the extreme coping mechanisms I developed to survive my abuse and how dysfunctional those mechanisms were once I was in healthier environments. I don't know... I don't know why people behave the way they. I just wish my friend didn't hurt the people around them... the people I love and that they used to love. I wish my friend didn't hurt so much either.