Feeling Broken

Feeling Broken

I feel old and depressed and cynical and a little bitter and like a really bad Christian.

Do you know any beautiful people? You know... the ones who always look perfectly put together and totally trendy without being trendy. The kind you love to hate for their beauty. And when they’re nice people – good people – well, that always pushes me over the edge.

Now think about the beautiful people who are also blessed with inner beauty and imagine they have something you desperately want. I’m not talking about an object like a car or a house… but something intangible. Something like a personal success or a relationship or a talent.

That’s where I am. I’m watching this event unfold. Actually I’m watching several different yet similar events unfold… great people getting the things I desperately want. It’s so difficult to watch. It’s not that I want to take it away from them. I am very happy for them. I understand how much the various things mean to the people involved and I am grateful that God has blessed them.

But I guess that is part of the problem. They talk about how perfect their life is and how God is working through them and how blessed they are and how God has answered their prayers and how life is perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect, puke!

We all know that life really isn’t perfect. But there are times, certain life events, when it’s OK to look at the world through rose colored glasses. Heck, if you don’t grab your chance to see the beauty in the world when it’s presented to you, then life would be very drab indeed. So I understand the driving force. I don’t judge or criticize people for fully immersing themselves in the pleasures and joy of life when it presents itself. That’s part of my problem… I want to. I want to hate them. But more importantly I want to know what’s wrong with me that I can’t have the things that I want, too. Isn’t God great enough that He can give me a few crumbs and still continue to bless those around me? Or is there really something that bad about me that I don’t deserve these blessings?

I don’t believe in reincarnation – but I understand how someone could. I know with my rational mind that so much of my current situation is because of choices I made. I take responsibility for those choices. But at the same time, I also know I made those choices because of earlier life events that shaped me. Life events that started in my toddler years. Life events that were completely out of my control… situations into which I was born. I often ask myself why did God choose this family for me? Why me? Am I so innately horrible that I deserved it? Did I do something in a past life?

You see, I grew up in a family rife with incest. Don’t even bother trying to guess who did what to whom… you’ll never figure it out. I have no problem talking about it so you can ask me anything you want; I just don’t want to put it all out on the web. I mention this fact because it is so important in regards to the decisions I made in life. Like everyone else, my childhood shapes every thought I have, every word I speak, every action I take, and every decision I’ve ever made in my life.

So here I am. Divorced. Feeling really broken. Alone. Wanting so much more for my daughter and for myself. Finding myself surrounded by people who have found the things I’m looking for… unconditional love, peace, and support and the knowledge that God has answered their prayers.

What's wrong with me? Why doesn't God answer my prayers? Are my prayers not good enough? Do I not pray in the right way? Why did I end up in such a failure of a marriage? Don't I deserve unconditional love? Why couldn’t I have more children? All I’ve ever wanted in life was a happy marriage and a huge family. Everything else I’ve done, at least career wise, was just window dressing… a desperate attempt to get the life I really wanted. My ex wanted and needed to spend, so I excelled in my career with the hope that someday I would satisfy him enough that I could become the stay-at-home mom to a brood of kids that I longed to be. Was that wrong?

At the same time, I watch these people in their time of joyous celebration and I am plagued with disbelief and cynicism. I can’t shake the feeling that nothing could be that good. They have to be lying. I feel guilty for being so cynical but I can’t shake it. I grew up in a house that was loaded with lies and double think. The kind of lies I'm talking about aren't spoken lies -- but rather actions. Existence occurred in two worlds at once... there is what happens behind closed doors and there is the family that is projected to the public. They are both very real and true and yet neither one is really authentic. One can not exist without the other and neither one feels honest. I grew up holding two versions of reality in my consciousness simultaneously. So I listen to them speak about their perfected bliss and part of me goes – yeah, sure; just wait till you get home. And I feel guilty for it.

I don't know. It's hard to put down in words the full effect of the turmoil in my spirit right now. Let's just say it's been a really bad day for me.