Sanity Check
Saturday night, when I was giving Elizabeth her pre-Easter bath, I discovered that Andrea (my au pair)is taking baths with Elizabeth while I'm at work.If you are a regular reader, you know that I have a history of sexual abuse as a child. So, when Elizabeth told me this; my initial reaction was to take all of Andrea's personal belonging, put them on the side walk, and then have all of the locks changed before she returned from her evening out.
Instead, I took a deep breathe and as calmly as I could, I asked Elizabeth some more questions. I didn't want to make her alarmed for nothing and I certainly didn't want to plant any ideas in her head, so I just asked her questions about how she got clean when she was in the tub with Andrea. Things like... Did Andrea help her wash? Did she ever help Andrea wash? Did she ever touch Andrea while Andrea was washing or vise versa.
Based on how calm and dispassionate Elizabeth was and her answers... I think these baths with Andrea are innocent. I think!
But even if they are innocent, it still makes me uncomfortable. And I'm also concerned that it's setting a bad precedence for Elizabeth. If she gets used to taking baths with a non-relative adult... wouldn't that make her more likely to get into a tub with another adult that might be less innocent?
So for those reasons and whatever other reasons we can think of I'm going to tell Andrea that I do not want her to take baths with or get naked in front of Elizabeth for any reason (Well, ok, if Andrea's clothes are on fire, she can take them off after she does the stop, drop and roll thing. But that's it!)
But here's where I'd like the sanity check... Do you think that is good enough... just to ask her not to that? Given my history, it's really, really hard to think about this things rationally I don't want to over react, but then I get worried that my "not over reacting" is so toned down that I'm not reacting enough. So please... tell me. What do you think? What would you do?
posted by Liz at 12:31 PM
4 Comments:
Hmmm ... you know, this is a good question for your counselor. It might also be a good idea to talk to Andrea about why she thinks it's a good idea to take baths with Elizabeth. While it totally creeps us out, it may just be a cultural thing. Which doesn't mean she should keep doing it. But it would help you to understand it better. FWIW ...
I don't think that you are under- or over-reacting. Your response seems pretty good. But, I have to admit that in my family we have always been really comfortable with nudity. I've gone skinny dipping with my mom as an adult. I think that the most important thing here is your comfort. You need to be comfortable with the person living in your home, taking care of your daughter. My impression is that she is perfectly safe, but if you are not sure, than I'd say get rid of Andrea. Don't ignore your instincts. Maybe talk it over with her, give yourself a little time to relax, and if you are still uncomfortable ask her to leave, without accusing her of abuse. If you want to talk about it with someone - even if only to flesh out your thoughts, you can call me.
I'm impressed! I think I'd have been with you on the first instinct thing ...but then, I'm a survivor too ...
Have you had a chance to talk to her yet (the au pair) what's her explination?
My reaction is 1) you're not over or underreacting, but that 2) it's totally cultural. How bizarre to assume that something like that is okay, but then again, what we grow up with is normal for us... I totally understand your concerns and I, too, would tell Andrea 'no more.' And explain about the differences in attitudes toward nudity. After all, Elizabeth won't be growing up in Central America, or Finland, or anywhere else where that might be normal.
I have next to zero experience with au pairs, but Andrea seems to be a little different, but harmless, to me. I suspect she truly didn't understand.
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