Better Living Through Chemistry
Ahhh! Drugs are good. At least legal ones. On Friday I was concerned, melancholy, and perhaps even a bit sardonic. This was caused by the possible diagnosis of Narcolepsy. Now, I’m even more worried about what will happen if I’m not diagnosed with this disorder.
You see my doc, a great lady I will say, was worried that I might crash my car or have some other catastrophic event due to my potential illness and the very real symptoms that I’ve been experiencing. So, she prescribed a medication that is given to narcoleptics.
I took my first dose on Saturday morning. Here it is Monday afternoon and I just want to kiss the ground she walks on. This is the most amazing, life changing event I've ever expierenced. This is ALMOST as good as becoming a mother and way better than sex. I feel like a REAL person and not some zombie posing as a person. (Come to think of it, this is going to make being a mom and sex even better, too.)
The most amazing things are happening to me. Are you ready for this… I woke up BEFORE the alarm clock this morning! If you haven’t spent the night at my house, you can’t imagine how amazingly wonderful and miraculous this event is. My typical morning goes like this…
* Set the alarm clock for one hour before I have to wake-up.
* Actually HEAR the alarm clock at the time I have to wake-up. (I’ve been told that I hit the snooze alarm a lot, but I have no memory of that.)
* Sit on the side of my bed for 30 minutes waiting for the fog to clear enough that I can walk to the bathroom.
* Sit in the bathroom for 15 – 20 minutes so I can remember that I have to take a shower and start my day.
* Take a shower and get dressed
General note: If you say ANYTHING to me before I’ve been awake and WALKING around for at least an hour – I will NOT remember it.
Safety Note: You do not have to worry about Elizabeth’s safety because somehow I can hear her voice – it manages to break through the clouds. And whenever I hear her voice while I’m sleeping I get such a rush of adrenaline that I wake up with a start and I can deal with her. Nature can be amazing sometimes.
But here is what happened this morning:
* Woke up before the alarm clock
* Went directly to the computer and checked my email and surfed a little (I actually remember what I read, too.)
* Put a load of laundry in the washer.
* Loaded up the dishwasher
* Talked to Andrea about the week’s schedule and next week (I remember the entire conversation and I especially remember the odd looks she kept giving me.)
* Did some light cleaning / organizational stuff.
* Took a shower and got dressed
* Checked my email again
* Got to work earlier than a “normal” day.
Can you see how AMAZING this is???
Here’s an even better part… I’ve only had two very short symptomatic “events” today. I CAN NOT believe that I have been living my life – twenty-four hours a day – seven days a week – feeling like I do for those two short periods when I was overcome. My head was so foggy and I had (comparatively) no ability to concentrate. Man, just think what my life would be like if I had discovered this drug in college! I feel born again. I feel alive for the first time in my life. This is totally amazing and wonderful and fantastic.
Now, what happens if they decide I don’t have narcolepsy? What will I do if they want to take this drug away from me? Now that I know what it feels like to be fully conscious and awake and aware and clear headed… I can’t go back to that dead, dark, foggy, hell hole that used to be my existence.
posted by Liz at 4:24 PM
6 Comments:
What is this drug? Matt needs it.
Seriously, though, I'm really glad it's working for you. I hope it all comes together -- doc's findings, your health, etc. -- for the very best.
Liz, I'm really happy for you, but be careful. When I was first diagnosed with clinical depression, the doc put me on Paxil, which is just the thing for clinical depression - but *not* the thing if you're actually bipolar (which, unbeknownst to anyone, I was and am). The drug helped swing me into a (hypo)manic episode that lasted all summer, and in its more benign moments it felt a lot like what you're describing. I'm not saying the drug is making you manic - it sounds like it's doing a world of good and making you feel "normal", but do be aware of the possibility, and do be aware that a manic person can't tell the difference between "normal" and hypernormal. If you start to feel like you're "normal" and everybody else you know is depressed, please talk to your doctor. And check periodically and make sure you still know the meaning of the word "consequences", including things like "if I spend all my money, that means I don't have it any more".
I don't want to be a wet blanket, and I don't think this is what's going on, but I do speak from experience, and it's important that you're aware of this possibility, however remote. If you ever want to talk about mental health stuff, please don't ever hesitate to e-mail or call me.
Much love,
Mike
Wouldn't you and your friends and family know for sure that you have Narcolepsy? I always thought that a narcoleptic episode of sleep was like someone flicking a light switch. One moment Liz is pushing a shopping cart into the Target store, the next moment she's curled up on the pavement sound asleep.
Or is there such a thing as 'partial' narcolepsy? (Liz stands motionless at Target down the coffeemaker aisle, semi-snoring and drooling on the pillow that isn't there)
Whichever the case, I hope that you keep feeling good.
Kate, the drug is called Provigil. They are very careful about the fact that they never call it a simulate. It's not amphetamine. They say it's a drug that "promotes wakefulness." Clever they are with the words :)
Mike, Thank you for your words of support and warning. I know what you mean about Paxil. My ex was on it for a while. It wasn't a good thing.
But, having lived with someone with bi-polar, I am very careful about these things. With Provigil, I'm not that worried about finding out I'm bi-polar. But, I am worried that the affect of the drug does seem to be increasing over the first couple of days. So at work today I took a friend aside and asked her to let me know if I start to seem like I'm bouncing off the walls.
Scott, It's surprised me, too. But Narcolepsy is very different from the way it's been protrayed on TV. According to the reading I did over the weekend... folks with narcolepsy can sleep for periods as short as 20 - 30 second and no one (including the person) will realize they "took a nap." However there are some other troubling symptoms that give it away.
Also, they think the root cause of the disorder has to do with the brain's inability to create REM sleep at the apprioriate times. So when they've monitored folks with narcolepsy, it was discovered that in a given 24 hour period they only sleep about 8 hours. However, that 8 hours is spread accross the entire 24 hour period and the full beneifits of REM sleep are never achived. It's a pretty interesting disorder -- from a clinical perspective.
Oh, I'm so glad it's helping and I so hope it will keep helping.
I took provigil for years to help with the fatigue for myasthenia gravis and lupus. The nice thing about it ...when I decided that it was contributing to my tremors, on a thursday, I didn't take it on Friday ...
(granted, don't ever stop taking a drug without telling your doctor first and going off of it with his instructions (grin))
My neuro and psych weren't happy I stopped ... but they don't live with the tremor I live with either. Now that my tremor is more pronounced, I'm not hearing near as much about "your energy would be better if you'd go back on the provigil"
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