She saw him.

She saw him.

Monday she went to the doctor. She had a fever and she could feel fluids draining in her ears. The doctor looked in her ears and her nose with the tiny, bright light. The doctor sat down at her computer and made a few notes.

“How are things going for you lately?” the doctor asked. “How is your daughter? Your mother?”

“Things are OK. My mom’s gone now.” She said.

The doctor started to write out a prescription. “You were right, it’s an ear infection.” Without looking up from her pad, the doctor said, “Are you sure things are OK? Have you thought about hurting yourself?”

She bit the corner of her lip and shook her head slowly. “I’ll be fine.”

It was a beautiful early spring day. Walking into the drug store, the breeze and warm sun felt good to her. She headed straight to the pharmacy in the back of the store. Brightly colored, cheerful Easter candies and toys lined the isles.

She waited patiently for her turn to drop off her prescription. She made a mental list of other things she needed to pick up – a Philips head screwdriver, AAA batteries, toilet paper, and kiddy vitamins. When it was her turn she answered all the questions about her identify, address, and insurance, then went to get the rest of the things.

Her arms were full with all the stuff she wanted to buy, but her prescription still wasn’t ready. She wandered over to the Easter isles to see what goodies she could get for her daughter’s basket. The selection of Easter toys was bountiful. The Easter Barbie was sweet. There were piles of candies in Barbie and Bratz packaging. The faces of the stuffed bunnies were full of joy. And to her surprise and delight she found the much coveted Floam – a toy advertised on TV ad nauseam but never before seen in real life.

As she was sorting through the stacks of Floam to pick just the right colors, she heard a voice calling to her. Every muscle became tense. She held her breath and closed her eyes. “Hey, how are you doing?” The voice called to her again. She closed her eyes tighter she started praying, “Make him go away, make him go away, make him go away, please God, make him go away.”

“I haven’t seen you in a long time. How are you?” He was behind her. He wasn’t touching her, but he was close enough that she could smell him. She could feel the heat his body was radiating. She quickly turned around and pressed her back against the shelves. The edges were cutting into her skin. She clutched the batteries and toilet paper close to her chest. Without realizing it she turned the screwdriver so the point was facing outwards. She held its handle tight as she rolled it around in her hand.

“How is your daughter? Hey, and your mother, too… right?” The man was so bubbly and happy to see her. She pressed backwards into the shelves. She curled her shoulders around the package of toilet paper and hunched downward. If only she could turn into a small spec of nothingness. “Did you ever close on that townhouse?” he asked. “I’m dying to come over and see it. You know, you never did tell me where it is. So, when can I come over?” He only paused a second for her to answer. “You know, I bought a place to. It’s over in Annandale.” He started to go on about the details of his new place. She could hear his voice, but it sounded very far away. The words did not make sense to her. She kept staring at his chin. It was very square for a chin. His good mood made her uncomfortable.

She realized he was asking again if he could come over to her house. He wanted to set up a date. He was demanding an answer. She wanted to scream out. She wanted to yell, “When hell freezes over, you God-damned rapist!” Her throat was constricted. Her mouth was dry. The room was spinning. She heard herself whisper, “I don’t know. I’m really busy.” There was no point in saying anything else. He had called her a few days after their last evening together. She had asked him why. He responded, “You said ‘No sex'. We didn’t have sex. What’s your problem?”

He asked again. He said he wanted to come over to see her house. He said he had to see how well she had decorated her bedroom. All she could do was shake her head and hold tight to the screw driver.

“You know, you’re so beautiful.” He said. “I have never met anyone as loving and as beautiful as you. I really want to come over sometime.”

She tried to swallow, but her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth. She had a fever. There were dark circles under her eyes. She was pale and her hair unwashed. “Beautiful?” she thought. “I’ve got to go.” She heard herself saying. She stood there hugging her toilet paper and feeling the sharp edges of the shelving still cutting into her skin. She wanted to go, but she was afraid to turn her back on him.

He stared at her for several seconds. His mouth was slightly open as if he were going to ask a question. But then he turned and walked away. When she couldn’t see him, she went to the pharmacy counter. She stood with her back pressed up against the counter scanning the store. She waited there the last several minutes for her medications to be ready. After she paid, she walked out with a very determined gate and her head down. She didn’t want to catch anyone’s glances.

When she got home she went into the bathroom, locked the door, and sat on the edge of the tub. She thought she was going to cry. She needed to. She wanted to. No tears would come. Nothing felt real. She didn’t feel real. She made a fist and started to punch her thigh. She felt nothing. She hit. She slapped. She punched. She pinched. A bruise started to appear. She felt pain. She felt real. She felt fever and exhaustion. She went to her bed and fell asleep.