One Step Closer

One Step Closer

A couple of weeks ago I got an email from my ex-uncle-in-law. He told me that the hearing had happened and a state appointed, legal guardian had assigned to my ex-mother-in-law. He was relieved because he no longer had to worry about his sister. I wrote back and explained that by allowing this to happen his nephew, my ex, would now end up homeless. Despite everything I had told him about my ex, he seemed truly shocked that the situation was so grave when I used the “h” word. But he said there really wasn’t much he could do to help out the ex.

This afternoon I got a panicked email from the ex. The legal guardian had paid him a visit. The guardian said that he would have to move out of the house very soon – a matter of days or weeks. He was frantic and begging me to let him come live with me. I don’t want to see the ex homeless, but living with me and Elizabeth is not an option. I asked him for the name and phone number of the legal guardian.

I was worried about talking to the guardian. I had a mental picture of a crass, unfeeling civil servant who just wanted to put their time in for retirement. None the less, I hoped that the guardian could point me in the direction to get help for the ex. Nick, the guardian, turned out to be a really nice and really caring kind of a guy. We talked for a long time. I gave him a lot of the history and told him that regardless of what happened, I knew the ex was sick and I wanted to do everything I could to help him – short of letting him live with me. Nick said that the law prohibited him from officially helping the ex; but that he was so concerned about his condition he was willing to help him out on his own time.

Nick had some pretty interesting insights. He said that he thinks the ex’s diagnosis of bi-polar is wrong. He think the ex is schizophrenic, schizoid-affective, or some other illness on this plane. He said that there are countless numbers of professionals who hold down high-powered jobs and suffer with bi-polar. I always knew that, but I just figured the ex had it worse than most. Turns out that before Nick was a legal guardian for seniors, he spent 20 years running half-way houses for mentally ill adults.

The bad news is that there are no significant social services for 40-something men. At least in NJ according to Nick. If you’re over 65, someone from Nick’s office will help you. If you under 18, the child advocacy’s office and DYFS will help you. But when you hit your 40’s there is nothing. Of course there is Social Security Disability, but the ex has to apply for it. Nick said that he didn’t think the ex was functioning at a high enough level to complete the application process himself. I was afraid of that, but Nick confirmed it.

Tonight Nick is going to call my ex-uncle-in-law and see if he can rattle his cage to help the ex out. I’m not holding out a lot of hope for that. I’m pretty sure that the ex is going to end up on the street. That makes me very, very sad. But at least I can take solace in the fact that I did and will continue to do everything I can for him – short of ruining Elizabeth’s life.

As I look over the big picture here, the thing that bothers me the most is the recurring theme that one life has to be sacrificed for another. Ex-mother-in-law gets taken care if her son denied. Elizabeth gets taken care of if her father is left in the cold. Why is this allowed to happen? And the thing that bothers me the most… God, through Jesus, said that he takes care of the birds and clothes the lilies of the valley so we shouldn’t worry about our needs being met. Yet, it seems like the needs of the ex are just being ignored. That is troubling enough all by itself. But then I have to ask myself, if God can ignore the ex… what makes me think I might not get the same. How does God pick who suffers and how much they suffer? How can I have faith when God appears to be no more trust-worthy than the people who have hurt me the most?